Mama's little helper vs Mama's little goofball

Oh... just posting some pics showing my daughter at both her helpful best and her goofy best. First the helpful child. She is always wanting to help with something... This time it was helping pick up yard waste at my mother's home.

And now for the goofball in her. OH my gosh - April 1 was "Mis-match Day" at her daycare and I went to town on the mis-matched clothes, hair and accessories. She went to town on her face with a chocolate chip cookie - on purpose. And she loved doing it. Oh well, we have fun and there is NEVER a dull moment.

Latest update on Netwerk TV issue

Funny, for all of Netwerk TV's insistence that it broke no copyright laws in using my Youtube video for their documentary (and also another Youtube video for the same documentary) they have not only removed MY video but the other person's video as well. Now the documentary contains NO Youtube video at all.

Hmmmmmmm...... and they've done no wrong. Uh-huh. Riiiiight....

On a lighter note, in about a week we'll know if we are in the next batch of referrals - or if we'll have to wait until May (or possibly June). The waiting is aging me beyond my years.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed - but I think doing twelve days of dossiers is really out of the question. Six days is probably more like it - eight if we're all very lucky.

There's a lot of talk about what will happen with adoptions from China during the Olympics. I think probably for around 6-8 weeks, travel to adopt from China will be halted. As we know, the White Swan was doing some rennovations... and some of the Olympics will be held in Hong Kong - so I am assuming that athletes will be staying at 4 & 5 star hotels in China - and most likely will need to stay in some hotels in the Guangzhou area (which is about a 30-45 minute ferry ride to Hong Kong). And the prices for hotels will be astronomically high for the majority of adopters. I can't see hotels dropping prices during that time for adoptive parents when they will be charging several times that for the Olympics.

Just my thoughts. Or as Forrest Gump would say, "That's all I got to say about that."

WARNING to parents who post video on the internet

My family has been victimized and violated by the Netherlands' broadcasting group Netwerk TV.

Parts from my adoption videos were downloaded by this network for a documentary on Chinese children being abducted and sold to orphanages for adoption and government officials forcibly taking children from families who had children against their population control laws and placing those children in orphanages where they are (supposedly) adopted internationally. In the middle of this report, they had placed a shot of my husband holding our daughter just after she had been handed to us, and a full-faced shot of our daughter sitting on a playroom floor.

This gives anyone who doesn't speak Dutch the impression that our daughter is one of those abducted and sold to an orphange so she could be adopted internationally. This company did not ask permission to use our video, because they are under the assumption that if it is on Youtube, it is fair game for ANYTHING! And I have not been successful in getting a transcript of the documentary - Netwerk TV won't respond to that request.

I've had no problems with someone embedding our video into a blog or website - as long as the video is left intact and not used for purposes other than what I had intended it for. But to take video from someone and then use it in what is supposed to be a documentary without the permission of the owner of the video, and to put it into the video as part of that documentary - it implies that our adoption has a dark, clandestine, illegal and immoral side to it.

OK, let's deal with the truth. There are going to be VERY FEW adoptive parents of Chinese children who will know the exact circumstances of their child's birth and abandonment. VERY FEW. We don't know anything other than what was in our daughter's write up in her referral. We trusted that referral info...

But unless the people making the documentary could absolutely prove that our daughter was one of those children involved with this issue... and if that is the case they absolutely should be telling us our daughter may not have been abandoned as originally believed - that would be the moral and ethical thing to do (but of course the words moral, ethical, and Netherlands doesn't seem to go together when you think of the government sanctioned prostitution and drug trade in the Netherlands) - but since they can't prove this (and I am assuming this is the case because no one has contacted us to this effect) they they had no right to use our video so as to leave one implicated in this scenario.

They have refused to provide me with a transcript of the video... and although they claim to have done nothing wrong, they have taken down the video from their site and are supposed to edit out our video from their documentary. Well.... if they have done nothing wrong, why are they backing down on this?

Will we get a referral?

The latest rumors coming from different sources is that March's referrals will have a Jan 04, 2006 LID cutoff. If that is true, then our referral can't be but maybe 2-3 months away. Our LID is Jan 16, 2006.

I have been thinking that, since China has changed its rules as of May of last year, and with our ages and the wait we have had (25 1/2 months and counting), that we will not be granted a referral. It is a nagging feeling I've had since last year in May, and it has been so deprressing at times... But of course, I thought there was a good chance that we wouldn't get a referral during our first wait to adopt... and look what happened. We were matched with a child who was so wonderful.

So, the waiting and not knowing is about to come to an end. At least, in a couple of months, it should be nice to finally KNOW one way or another. The funny thing is, it will have been four years since we adopted Kenzie. Almost four years to the date.

I know it's wishful thinking, but I wish we could get our referral in April. Just like we got Kenzie's.

C'mon CCAA! I am counting on you to make us a family of four. And to give Kenzie a sister... and another of your beautiful children a home and family.

Nightmares

I have to say, I am the happiest mother in the world. However, being a mother has given me pause to wonder if I am going to keep my sanity...

Since adopting Kenzie, all I could think of at first was how lucky we were, how happy we were, what a wonderful child we had. Now, as our daughter grows up and begins to take her first tentative steps away from me as her main relationship and she starts forming other bonds and relationships... I am haunted by nightmares of what could happen if my attention is even for a moment occupied with anything other than her presence.

One recurring dream I have had lately is particularly disturbing, and I need to get it off my chest. I don't think it will lessen the panic I feel whenever I have the dream - but at least I am acknowledging my concerns.

The dream starts out in a place that is like the Ivy League halls of a large university. A long building with many classrooms and lecture rooms on both sides of a long, dark hallway, with heavily paneled walls of dark wood, large tall windows, and the golden color of aged plaster above the paneling. There are a huge number of Asian children with their parents (both adoptive and bio) at this event that is specifically for Asian children. I am standing with Kenzie in a line and she is all happy and jumping up and down because she is excited to be there. She is getting ready to play a game, and we are only 2 or 3 places away from when she will get her turn. I am then approached by someone in charge of the event because my help is needed in the next room... evidently I am helping to be a host to part of this event. I walk over to my husband who is chatting with another man, and tell him to watch Kenzie while I am gone for a few minutes. He says his usual "Yes, dear" and I walk away.

I go to another room and am only gone for a few minutes (it felt like it was supposed to be around 5-10 minutes from the dream) and when I return to the room where Kenzie is supposed to be, I can't find her. I go up to my husband and ask him where she is. He looks at me like I'm crazy, and says that he thought I was watching her and why wasn't I taking care of her. I start screaming her name, looking frantically for her and all the time cursing my husband for not listening to me or taking part in watching his daughter for a few minutes but instead trying to drum up business for himself at the expense of his daughter. I am just furious with him and in a panic that I can't find Kenzie. Worse, people begin to look at me like I'm an idiot.

I scream for all activities to stop and ask all the parents to help me find my daughter. We start going up and down the hall, going into rooms and yelling her name. Someone called the campus police and they go watch security video of the hallways - and they see her walking with a man into one of the rooms. We run down to the room and it is locked - and I am petrified of what I will find behind the door - I begin kicking the door to try and knock it down, and just as I open it and rush in, I wake in a panic with tears streaming down my face, because I just know she is either molested, tortured, or dead... and I blame myself - for not being her mother, for not keeping her with me, for allowing her to do something on her own because she wanted to stand in line and have her turn rather than start all over, for trusting my husband to take care of her when he was clearly pre-occupied, for not holding her close to me, for not loving her enough...

I feel lousy, horrified, and I can't go back to sleep. I just cry - sobbing as my tears soak my clothes and pillow, while I look at her sleeping next to me. And pray that I never have to feel that kind of panic for real. I pray to God that her innocence won't be shattered by any one harming her in ways children should never have to know. I want to protect her from so much, but I am afraid I will not be able to keep her safe from harm.

Perhaps these feelings are all perfectly natural. But this feeling of being inadequate as her mother keeps persisting. Please God, make me hyper-vigilant.

What color am I?

Kenzie's daycare had some reading and activities surrounding the coming of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr Day. So the following conversation should have come as no surprise.


Kenzie: Mommy, am I white?

Me: Are you white? What do you mean?

Kenzie: At daycare, they told us about Martin Luther King Jr Day and said he didn't want to give up his seat on a bus to a white person.

Me: OH! MLK (I'm abbreviating to make this easier) didn't want anyone to have to give up their seat on a bus just because of color. But the person who actually began the refusal of giving up a seat to a white person was a woman named Rosa Parks. She was a black woman, and a white man told her to get up out of her seat so he could have it, but she refused. She also got arrested and went to jail for it. That wasn't fair. It wasn't nice. And no one should have to give up their seat - or anything else for that matter - because of the color of their skin.

Kenzie: But am I white?

Me: Well, technically, because you are Asian, the "color" you would be considered is yellow. That's because most Asians have a yellow undertone to their skin color. I will tell you one thing, you are very fair-skinned for an Asian, and many Chinese have told us so. You also have a lot of pink to your skin tone as well. But you are Asian, not a white person.

Kenzie: [smiling] Yeah! Okay. I'm Asian. But there were white people who had big banners and signs that said "Whites Only".

Me: Yes, and that was wrong. No one should be discriminated against because of their skin color. Those people did not want blacks to stay at certain hotels, or eat at certain restaurants, or drink from certain water fountains... and that wasn't right. No one should be told they can't eat somewhere because of something like race. What race you are born into is something you can't change. You are born what you are, and each of us should be judged for who we are, not what we look like.

Kenzie: Yeah. They were mean people. And that wasn't fair.

I hope she really learns this. I mean REALLY learns this. In the last year, I've seen a side of her that worries me.. and perhaps it is just a matter of time before she really begins to see that color isn't what matters.

For example, my family doctor is a wonderful doctor. However, Kenzie likes her [white] pediatrician better than my doctor, because he is white, and mine is "dark" [African-American]. I am hoping enough examples of me not judging others because of color and her seeing me interact with others of color will set some example for her. I've seen this discrimination of hers for awhile... and even though I tell her that it isn't nice to treat people this way - I am praying that more examples will make the point.

Maybe when she finally experiences discrimination against her personally for being Asian, she'll "get it".

Get your game face on!

Now I ask you - would this face scare you if you were the opponent in a game of hoops?

Sunday we went to an IU women's basketball game. It was Kenzie's first experience at a live sports event, and she was enthralled. The Lady Hoosiers were pretty darn good - they won against Illinois, and they really gave us a show! And she got to see what the cheerleaders do at a game.

I kept pointing out the Asian women who were involved - Kim Roberson, #35 on IU's team - was one person I pointed out to Kenzie so she could see a positive role model. Also, I saw a couple of Asian girls in the cheerleaders, to which I made sure she saw that as well. When I asked her if she wanted to do cheerleading when she got older, she shook her head no. I think she'd rather be shooting hoops. I hate to dissapoint her - so I didn't say anything - but I doubt she's going to get tall enough to be able to play on a team. But I'm sure she'll figure that one out on her own sooner or later - so I don't have to say anything....

All she can talk about now is going back to the next game (which will have to be a Sunday game - the weekday games would keep her up too late).

Another architectural masterpiece

For Christmas, Kenzie asked Santa to bring her a "pretty castle".


Well by the time Santa got his marching orders - there wasn't a pre-made "pretty castle" to be had. So Santa had to start looking at alternatives.


Luckily Santa found a nice elf online who makes these beautiful wooden blocks so children can make their own pretty castles. The really neat thing is that these blocks are so versatile... and Kenzie can create to her heart's content. Too bad we don't have a doubled set.


So - I have here her latest masterpiece.

I can understand how Kenzie is - she's not really tomboy-ish at all. She's very girly and feminine in her own way - but what interests her isn't the strictly girly things - she simply has her own interests - and we are not going to do anything to squelch her desire and drive to be creative in her own way. I was always more interested in what was at one time considered "boys' toys" - microscopes, minerology sets, pup tents, cameras, etc.... they were far more fun to play with than any number and kind of dolls. I never understood how anyone could get a big kick out of arranging furniture in a doll house - but that was just me. I preferred every time we took a trip to look for new rocks to add to my rock collection. Kenzie has been talking about going somewhere to look for rocks to create a collection as well.... and she wants to give me "pretty rocks".

I think she's a lot like me - and it's not just because she lives with us... this is just who she is. With adoption, you always wonder how much is nature and how much is nurture. But there are times when you know 100% that it is just who the child is and not from any undue influence of the parents on the child - other than allowing the child to pursue her/his own interests.

And to be sure - gotta love that cocky little smile. So sure of herself. I hope she stays that way even in her teenage years.

Have a rockin' good Christmas!

What to do with blurry Christmas pictures?



Make a video! Enjoy - and may you have a joy-filled Christmas and Happy New Year!

Mama's little architect

Kenzie loves to build. The best toy she could have would be blocks. Any kind - any shapes... if she has them, she puts them together.



I have seen her take toys that can be interlocked together or just plain cardboard blocks and build some of the most interesting structures. I never had that in me... I didn't ever have the patience or imagination for that. But this kid... her understanding of spatial relationships and her grasp of what makes something work and other things not work... couple that with her ability to concentrate for long periods of time if necessary - and she sometimes amazes me. I am going to start taking pictures of her creations so I can show her styles. She never makes the same thing twice, even if she has the same number and size of blocks... she always creates new stuff.



Below is one of her recent creations she made while at daycare. She calls it a restaurant.

Is this the beginning of my downfall?

The other night, Kenzie and I had visited my mother at rehab. When we left, I got Kenzie in the car and just began buckling her in - it was COLD outside and I wanted to get inside the car and go home.

Kenzie began yelling and pumping her fist up and down, saying, "You ruined everything! I wanted to do it!"

OK, now I know what I'm going to be in for when she's a teenager. She'll get mad at me about something and then start yelling, "You ruined my life!" (We all know how teenagers tend to exaggerate a bit, right?)

I guess from now on I have to ask permission to buckle her up...

or not.

With a Rebel yell, she cried More! More! More!

OK, maybe I got your attention... but this was on purpose.

I have always been the kind of person who loved photography but always went for the easy point and shoot cameras. Until now....

I bought a Canon Digital Rebel XTi... and I am in LOVE! I'm learning what to do with it still, but even novices who aren't all that experienced with cameras can get started on this camera fairly easy (DO read the directions first!) and even if you aren't a pro - some of the features will have you feeling like one in no time. I love the AI Servo feature, where the focus focuses on the subject all the time, so you can capture action. No more posing - just let her go do what she wants to and take pics. If my dad were alive he'd be in heaven with this camera.

My only problem now will be choosing which ones I make pictures out of and which ones to ignore. When you have a kid as cute as mine and a camera that does what this one does - that make the job even harder!

My little supermodel

The dress and leggings were a gift from my husband's cousin. Made for an adorable get-up. Kenzie loves the dress. Just had fun this morning snapping pics, and letting Kenzie be herself. Kenzie has watched some older episodes of America's Next Top Model and she thinks the show is really cool... although she also thinks some of the models are big babies. She's right.

She'll never be tall enough to make a top model - but she's awfully cute!

The brothers are at it again....

If one is unfamiliar with what is going on in our family, please refer to this post and this post. It will catch you up with today's latest update.

My brother Richard has been calling mom on a regular basis (as regular as you can get for Richard). He's playing the "good son" by calling... not that he is really listening to anything she has to say... until the last phone call.

Mom has been having panic attacks, and the doctor has prescribed medication for them... and we've been trying to get her to use an anti-depressant. She's been in constant pain from her shoulders hurting - she has no cartilege where the bone enters the shoulder socket - so it is just bone against bone and it is playing hell with the nerves in her arms. We should be able to take her to a surgeon and possibly schedule the surgery that she was originally supposed to have back in April, when they found out she had a heart problem. If she can get some relief from this, it will be a blessing!

When Richard heard that she was having panic attacks (mom actually got a word in edge-wise) he said she should have someone come live with her and take care of her. Now, that wouldn't be a bad idea - however, Richard suggested that she let Bill and his wife Erica move in with her.

Sorry - this is where gales of laughter come streaming out of EVERYONE'S mouths.

Now someone tell me that Richard is reaaaaaallllly mad at Bill and is reaaaaaallllly sorry that he hurt mom's feelings! It sounds to me that they are still neck deep in their little conspiracy. Richard isn't mad at Bill - they are just trying a new tact to get at mom.

Bill.... the one who wanted to charge her for every little thing he and his wife was doing to "help" her when she got out of rehab. The one who lied to her about me, and then with Richard's help schemed to cut me out of the will and wanted to have her make him Power of Attorney. Bill - whose house is being foreclosed upon, and has filed bankruptcy 3 times in his 42 years of existence.

And this coming from Richard - who called the Department of Children's Services on me with unsupported allegations against us. Richard, who thinks he's smarter than the average Hostess Ding-Dong... well, maybe just slightly smarter than the Ding-Dong.

My mother was great - she said NO WAY! She was NOT going to let them come and stay in her home... I am glad she has her wits about her and knows that Bill will only take advantage of her. And he hasn't called mom or made any effort to contact her after he had spoken to her the last time. That spoke volumes to her that the only thing he cared about was her money - not her as his mother.

I know this is so hard for mom... and I wish we lived closer together (I'm grateful it's only 25 miles away and not 250!) I am only asking for prayers that she be able to have the surgery and that it will help the pain she is going through every day right now. And perhaps that will help her to get relief from the panic attacks.

Navy Pier and Pics from both days

Today was Navy Pier day. Of the two places (Lincoln Park Zoo and Navy Pier) I like Navy Pier best. But it was scorching hot today... and there really wasn't much of a breeze off of Lake Michigan.


It's a good thing Kenzie is only 4 and doesn't need expensive entertainment to have a good time right now. Just being with her family is enough... and anything else is just that much extra fun.


Last year, Kenzie had a SpongeBob Ice Cream Bar and was wild about it. (I had tried a taste and thought it was gawd-awful!) But this year, she insisted that she have another one. Yuck!

Of course, there were other things to do at the zoo... but she mostly spent it either walking on the metal fencing or taking her own pics. Plus, I drove her nuts trying to take her picture... poor kid - she's going to end up with a phobia about cameras because of me.

At Navy Pier, they have a marvelous Children's Museum. Mondays, children get in free. Kenzie likes the area where you can pretend to make food items and sell it. Last year she especially liked the cash register... but this year, all she wanted to do was "make pizza".

The one thing I liked most about Navy Pier is the view. It's a really nice view of the city and Lake Michigan. I think next year we'd like to take one of the boat tours to see downtown Chicago's architecture. Kenzie was really wanting to go on a boat. When one of the tour boats blasted its horn before departure, she just had to watch it leave the dock close up.

I think the last picture says it all. Family is what is important. We come up to this area to visit Roy's mom, and Kenzie loves her Grandma Geri so much! We absolutely love coming to see her and spend time with her... and I think kids seem to know innately what we as grownups tend to forget: spending time with family is all that really matters when it comes to having a good time. Hopefully, the pictures and video I've taken with her and her Grandma Geri will help preserve that love and the memories we are building with Kenzie.

Hello from Chicago!

Yup... came to Chicago this weekend. Last night, we ate at a place in Des Plaines called The Omega. LOVE it - their prices are reasonable and the food is great - and you get so much one of these meals could feed my mother, Kenzie and me. Kenzie loves their matzo ball soup. A Chinese girl eating Jewish food. Who'd a thunk it!

We met Roy's brother's girlfriend, Jane, and Roy's cousin, Elaine. Elaine gave Kenzie an Etch-a-Sketch and a child's learning laptop (not an expensive item - just a toy) and a really beautiful dress. (When we got back to the hotel from the restaurant, all Kenzie wanted to do was play with the computer toy!)


And Kenzie really took to Jane. She must be really good with kids... Kenzie wanted Jane to come back to the hotel with us, and was really upset when she found out we wouldn't be seeing her until probably next year. She began to cry. Yeah, I think I can safely say Kenzie really thought the world of her.


I have pictures and a little video to post. Here are some pics that Kenzie took with her little camera over today and yesterday.