Halloween pics

Of course, can't beat Halloween for dress up and pretend.

Kenzie was a vampiress (again) and after watching the movie The Karate Kid (with Jackie Chan) Richelle just had to dress up as a karate kid.  The outfit is an actual karate outfit purchased from someone who advertised it in the local newspaper (her son was taking karate). I got it for $10... Just the way I like to buy things. I wanted to make her out to be a bloody mess, but Richelle opted only for the "black eyes". 

She was more than happy to show off her standing splits... 

And..... I voted today.  Hope everyone makes their vote count.

Both are held back in swimming

As outlined previously, Kenzie was held back to do session one again in swim lessons.

We made the decision to hold Jia back as well. The main reason is that she doesn't listen to the instructors. They tell the kids to be quiet and listen, she is off dunking herself and yelling for me to look. They tell the kids to hang on to the wall, she is trying to go out to deep water behind the instructors' backs. She is not listening to them, and the higher the level, the more dangerous the lesson will be if she doesn't pay attention to them.

It's the same thing she does at home. I'll tell her not to do something or to do something, and its as if I never opened my mouth. The walls have better hearing than Jia. (BTW - her hearing has been checked and it's perfect - there's no problem with it. The problem lies in her willingness to respond to authority.) There's a part of Jia that I think doesn't care - she's still not getting it when it comes to this family stuff... I think there are times when she thinks this is just another place for her to stay until her next move.

When I told Jia that because she wasn't paying attention to her instructors and that was the reason she was being held back, she bawled and screamed for a half hour "I wanna go to level 2!" over and over. I had told her previously that she had to listen to her instructors - and now she has to deal with the consequences of not doing what we've told her.

Another issue we are currently dealing with: Lying.

And she knows she's not telling the truth. She automatically says, "It wasn't me" when something is discovered and we find that there is something wrong or damaged. Now, I know Kenzie really well - and Kenzie is very careful with her things and with the household. Once Kenzie marked up a wall accidentally with a painted peg, and we talked with her about not doing that and not marking up the walls. This was when she was 2 years old. She's never done it since. But since Jia's been home, we've found places where there are marks (large ones) and we know that Kenzie didn't do it. Jia finally confessed to Roy, but that was after a lot of prodding. Not sure how to handle this. I'm sure that the immediate denial was so she wouldn't be punished in the orphanage... but she has to learn this isn't the orphanage and there aren't another couple hundred kids to blame around her... so it's pretty easy to figure out who did what.

One of these days, the actions vs inactions = consequences equation is going to finally hit home and she'll make the connection. But until then, it's going to be a very bumpy ride.

Happy Mother's Day!

The following was Kenzie's "secret surprise" for me. I have to admit - it brought tears to my eyes. Jia wanted to know if I was mad... she was a bit confused as to why I would cry. LOL! I'm wondering why she is equating crying with being mad....

The above translates to Shirts.

We later went to visit mom. Seems she is going through bouts of lucidity and la-la land. The nurses and aides there are keeping records (or are supposed to be) of what she says and her actions, and the social worker was going to give her a test to see if she is competent at this point... for some of the things she has said to me over the past week, I hope they can tell that she's having trouble differentiating between reality and her hallucinations?/dreams?/perceptions?. Poor thing... it's hard for anyone to watch any family member go through this... but I had some preparation when it happened to dad at the end. He swore that mom was trying to kill him - although she may have wanted to, considering how demanding he was during the years he was hindered with a stroke - I know she wouldn't have hurt him on purpose in any way...


God bless all the moms on Mother's Day and throughout the year.

Motherhood

Wow... this motherhood thing is hard.

OK, we got off really easy with Kenzie. She was so easy to take care of, to raise - we were spoiled rotten with a kid who was as close to perfect as can be. She was easy going, funny and smart... and able to do things for herself - something I didn't realize that I loved so much about her growing up.

OK, Jia is smart, and funny. She is NOT easy going. Just NOT. And her volume level is set on LOUDEST. (We never asked what words would help her understand that she needs to talk more softly.) But I think a huge part of all this right now is that there is such a huge distance between us because of the language barrier. She keeps saying something to me (daily) and so far no one understands what it is she is saying. Least of all me... since my Chinese is so limited.

It seems that once her jie-jie is home, things get marginally better. But there are still breakdowns in communication - and if I could only understand what she was saying I could help her more. She seems extremely willing to do things and to be thoughtful, especially towards her big sister. Wish I could say the same about Kenzie, but it seems she delights in finding ways right now to make her sister cry and trying to make it look like it's not her fault... hmmmmm.... guess she's got a mean streak in her. "OH mommy! I didn't know I was stepping on her bracelet" (as Kenzie is standing on it - gotta feel that round lumpy thing under her tender foot - as Jia is crying and trying to pull her foot off of it...)

I keep telling myself that it will get better.... it may take a few months of this - but it will get better.

On the flip side - I have no time to myself. I have absolutely no time to work on her adoption video, or get information for my mom for health insurance, or fill out forms to take Jia to Riley Hospital - and finding a quiet moment means waking up in the middle of the night and staying up 3-4 hours, only to wake up bleary eyed and tired... no, MORE tired.

We need to try and see if we can get her into a preschool. We have one in mind if we can get a scholarship. It is 3 days a week, 9-11:30 and it would do her good to be with kids she can play with. We went to a craft fair for kids at the place that has the preschool, and Jia had a blast making things - in fact, she really has great concentration and can do a lot of planning on what she wants her craft to look like. And she LOVED it. The church is a really nice place and I was impressed with the people. I hope things can work out. Jia really needs a little time for herself as well.

Nightmares

I have to say, I am the happiest mother in the world. However, being a mother has given me pause to wonder if I am going to keep my sanity...

Since adopting Kenzie, all I could think of at first was how lucky we were, how happy we were, what a wonderful child we had. Now, as our daughter grows up and begins to take her first tentative steps away from me as her main relationship and she starts forming other bonds and relationships... I am haunted by nightmares of what could happen if my attention is even for a moment occupied with anything other than her presence.

One recurring dream I have had lately is particularly disturbing, and I need to get it off my chest. I don't think it will lessen the panic I feel whenever I have the dream - but at least I am acknowledging my concerns.

The dream starts out in a place that is like the Ivy League halls of a large university. A long building with many classrooms and lecture rooms on both sides of a long, dark hallway, with heavily paneled walls of dark wood, large tall windows, and the golden color of aged plaster above the paneling. There are a huge number of Asian children with their parents (both adoptive and bio) at this event that is specifically for Asian children. I am standing with Kenzie in a line and she is all happy and jumping up and down because she is excited to be there. She is getting ready to play a game, and we are only 2 or 3 places away from when she will get her turn. I am then approached by someone in charge of the event because my help is needed in the next room... evidently I am helping to be a host to part of this event. I walk over to my husband who is chatting with another man, and tell him to watch Kenzie while I am gone for a few minutes. He says his usual "Yes, dear" and I walk away.

I go to another room and am only gone for a few minutes (it felt like it was supposed to be around 5-10 minutes from the dream) and when I return to the room where Kenzie is supposed to be, I can't find her. I go up to my husband and ask him where she is. He looks at me like I'm crazy, and says that he thought I was watching her and why wasn't I taking care of her. I start screaming her name, looking frantically for her and all the time cursing my husband for not listening to me or taking part in watching his daughter for a few minutes but instead trying to drum up business for himself at the expense of his daughter. I am just furious with him and in a panic that I can't find Kenzie. Worse, people begin to look at me like I'm an idiot.

I scream for all activities to stop and ask all the parents to help me find my daughter. We start going up and down the hall, going into rooms and yelling her name. Someone called the campus police and they go watch security video of the hallways - and they see her walking with a man into one of the rooms. We run down to the room and it is locked - and I am petrified of what I will find behind the door - I begin kicking the door to try and knock it down, and just as I open it and rush in, I wake in a panic with tears streaming down my face, because I just know she is either molested, tortured, or dead... and I blame myself - for not being her mother, for not keeping her with me, for allowing her to do something on her own because she wanted to stand in line and have her turn rather than start all over, for trusting my husband to take care of her when he was clearly pre-occupied, for not holding her close to me, for not loving her enough...

I feel lousy, horrified, and I can't go back to sleep. I just cry - sobbing as my tears soak my clothes and pillow, while I look at her sleeping next to me. And pray that I never have to feel that kind of panic for real. I pray to God that her innocence won't be shattered by any one harming her in ways children should never have to know. I want to protect her from so much, but I am afraid I will not be able to keep her safe from harm.

Perhaps these feelings are all perfectly natural. But this feeling of being inadequate as her mother keeps persisting. Please God, make me hyper-vigilant.