Precious thoughts

Last night, as I was laying down in bed with Kenzie, she kept saying "I can't go to sleep, mommy."

I finally asked her why. She said, "I don't want you to die."

I laughed soflty and said, "Well, I'm not dying right now and I'm very much alive. I won't die for quite a long time... so let's get some shut-eye and go to sleep."

She grabbed my arms and put her hand in mine, snuggling close and I kissed her head. She then asked, "Why do parents die before their children?"

I told her that usually, that is how things happen. We grow older, and our bodies get weaker and wear out. If we take good care of ourselves, we will live a long time, unless there is an accident. But parents need to live long enough for their kids to be independent and able to take care of themselves. That she was not to worry... by the time she was grown up and I was old, she would be asking herself "Hasn't she kicked off yet?"

Kenzie didn't find that funny. I guess I like the morbid humor, but Kenzie is really feeling a little insecure about death. I did, too, as a child. But I have had to work through that fear of being without my parents. As a kid, and even as a young adult, I felt that my life would not be worth anything if I didn't have my mom and dad.

And to be honest, it took me a long time to reconcile their dying with the natural order of things. By the time my father had his stroke, and then after 2 years dealing with that, he began to suffer mini-strokes and his body began to just shut down on him, I felt that death would be a blessing for him. He was in pain, confused, and had no life other than experiencing the process of dying. I always believed when he died, I'd break down and be an emotional wreck. But when the time came, I felt he was finally at peace. It was my mom who was the emotional wreck. I 'm sure she thought that there would be some kind of miracle and dad would pull through. So, I ended up being strong for her.

I hope I can help Kenzie understand and deal with death in a constructive and positive way. I don't expect her to shut down her emotions, but I want her to not fear our deaths so that it disrupts her life.

Then last night, in the middle of the night, I heard Richelle call, "Mommy..."

I woke up and asked "Huh?"

"I want to give you a hug."

Can't tell you how long it's been since I've been waiting for something like that. I reached over and held her, kissing her head a couple of times. And then she said, "I just wanted to give you a hug." (As if the kissing thing was just a little overboard.)

LOL! That's my girl.

Randy Pausch - how to live... and die

I have listened more than once to Randy Pausch's "Last Lecture". His upbeat attitude, his forward thinking, and his courage to face his death with love, compassion, and gusto should be a lesson for us all. I often think if I were to be in his shoes, would I be able to embrace life as he has, living as an example of what life SHOULD be every day, rather than being bitter or depressed about what I won't have because my life (in my eyes) has been cut short. Do I even embrace life as well as I should now - even though I think I'll live another 20 years.

How would any of us really know how long our lives would have been? We assume that we're going to live into our 70's or 80's. But almost anything can cut our lives off shorter than what our expectations are. I could be killed by a car crash tomorrow - and if so, I have to ask myself: Would I have lived the life I wanted to - one that would have made a difference to others? Would I have lived a life that my daughter could remember me by with love and admiration, one where whe would think that I was a great mom, and would she remember how much I loved her from the little things I did with her and for her? Perhaps I better change some things now, so there will be no doubt in her mind.

I want to be like Randy's mom - in a go-cart racing down a track and living life to its fullest - or like his dad, having fun on the roller coasters and taking chances. Life is all about risk - we risk every day we get out of bed, and we should be facing that risk with a positive attitude. If we have nothing but fear in our lives, we cheat ourselves of the greatests gift God has given us - JOY, WONDER, LOVE, and FULFILLMENT. There are others, I am unable at this time to voice them all. But you know... you know. I know you do. You feel it, too.

My daughter gives every indication that she is a Tigger - and she loves the thrills of riding the rides at the fair and is excited every day over something - even if its going to the local park to play or going out to eat, or playing a game of Go Fish with me and her daddy - even just blowing bubbles or picking up trash in the yard. Yeah, she's a Tigger. And I want to make sure she keeps that sense of joy and wonder.

I have embedded from YouTube a video of his last lecture, given on Oprah. It is the only one I could find that was complete in one video. His lecture could teach all of us something about life and how to live it. May God watch over and take care of your family, Randy. God Bless you for the legacy you have left all of us.

Tragedy in the Steven Curtis Chapman Family

Words cannot express my sorrow for their loss. Their youngest daughter, adopted from China, was killed yesterday in a horrible accident.

The article that discusses the event is found here.

His music video "Cinderella" and the following vlog as to how he came about writing the song can be found here. I highly recommend your listening to it - it brings a whole new perspective on family and how we treat our children, considering the family's loss and the grief they must be experiencing.

My heart goes out to the family - and especially their son. I hope he can forgive himself and move beyond the guilt I presume he must be feeling right now. God give them peace.

My 4 year old has some tough questions!

At what age do children begin to talk about death?


Lately, our daughter has been asking me questions that have taken me by surprise. Here is one conversation:


K: Mommy, I wanna ask you a question.
M: Ok, honey.
K: Mommy, are you going to die?
M: (while the shock is washing over me in waves) Yes, someday mommy will
die.
K: But Mommy, when are you going to die?
M: Well, no one ever really knows when they’ll die. If we did, we wouldn’t
live our lives with the joy and happiness we have.
K: But what happens when you die?
M: My body won’t work any more, but my soul will go to heaven and get to
see God.
K: What does God look like?
M: I don’t know – but I guess I’ll find out someday!
K: I think he has a beard, and long clothes, and hands, and hair…
M: I’m not sure he looks like a person. He may not look like anything that we
can really understand as we are right now.
K: Yeah. God didn’t die, but Jesus did.
M: Yes, that’s right.
K: But why did Jesus die?
M: The Bible teaches us he died to save us from our sins. Do you know what
sin is?
K: No.
M: It’s when we do things God doesn’t want us to do. We aren’t supposed to
lie – that means not telling the truth; we aren’t supposed to covet – that
means wanting things we don’t have; we aren’t supposed to steal – that
means take things that aren’t ours without permission. It also means we
worship God and not things… Like loving money or cars or toys more than
God.
K: Yeah!
M: Kenzie, I want you to understand that mommy and daddy are going to be
around for a long time. We’ll be here today, and in the future. We
probably aren’t going to die any time soon. In fact, we’ll probably be
around long enough to watch you grow up and become a young woman.


Then she went into talking about a Veggie Tales movie where Jr. Asparagus told a lie and the fib kept getting bigger and bigger… I guess unless you are a parent and watch Veggie Tales and can understand this story – it’s best just to say that Veggie Tales are cartoons that use imagery (the “fib” is from outer space – it’s name is Fib – which of course we as adults know that a fib is a lie – and the more Jr. lies, the bigger “Fib” gets. Jr. has to tell the truth for Fib to become small and insignificant).

Two nights later, we are in bed, and while daddy is getting ready (brushing teeth and washing his face/hands), Kenzie again starts asking questions about death.

K: Mommy…… When are you going to die?
M: Honey, I have no idea. I don’t dwell on that.
K: Mommy, when do you get up again after dying?
M: You don’t. Once you die, you don’t get up.
K: But when do you wake up?
M: You don’t wake up. It’s not like you go to sleep. You simply don’t know
anything anymore because your soul leaves your body.
K: Mommy, just before you die, I’m going to wake you up and make you walk
so you won’t die.
M: (smiling and laughing a little) I don’t think it quite works that way, but you
can try. Mommy would appreciate it.
K: What happens to me if both you and daddy die?
M: You would go to live with Mike and Cindy – remember them? They are the
parents of Emma and LiMei.
K: Yeah… OK. But what happens to me if you die?
M: If I die and daddy is still alive, you would stay with daddy.
K: (grinning) OK. (Pause) But what happens to me if daddy dies?
M: If daddy dies and I’m still alive, you would stay with me. If we are both
dead, you would live with Mike and Cindy.
K: Ok, that’s good. But mommy, when is the future?
M: The future is… “not now”. It could be 10 days from now or 10 years from
now or 100 years from now. It is what will happen next – but hasn’t
happened yet.
K: Yeah, but when is the future?

OK, that is a difficult concept to explain… I’m willing to take suggestions from anyone out there who can help.

Then I kept trying to tell her that her daddy and I would be around for a very long time. (My husband had to interject that we’d probably be around for longer than she’d care for us to be – that was supposed to be his attempt at humor, but it was a bit lost on a 4 year old…)

I can’t help but think how precious our daughter is. She is asking questions that I thought originally must have been because of some discussion at her [Christian] daycare… but found out that no one I talked with had said anything about death. However, a couple of the children have had relatives die… so perhaps she is trying to process that. I didn’t really expect questions about death until she was a little bit older. I feel a bit like that commercial “Life comes at you fast…”