Yesterday, my husband got an email from Richelle's teacher. It said that Richelle had bought some items (four pencils and a journal) from the school store, and when asked where she got the money, she finally told the teacher that she took it from home without us knowing it... that it had been her father's money. Her teacher had a discussion with Richelle about stealing.
I thought something was up that morning when she took her back pack upstairs and was holding a small purse of hers (that had been filled with coins - we knew she'd taken it from Roy's can of coins he has, but weren't worried about it at that time). I didn't pay it any real attention, just kind of made a mental note of it. I went about my business while urging them to get ready to go out to the bus.
Then the email. When she got home, she started taking things out of her backpack, and then got a furtive look on her face, and held her backpack tight to her while she said she was going upstairs. I asked that she give me her backpack, which she was reluctant to do.
I pulled out the purse full of coins. I asked her if she bought anything today, and she said yes. When pressed for what, she showed me two pencils. I told her that her teacher had emailed us and told us it was more than that. She admitted that she bought two more pencils and a journal. I asked to see it... and she said she gave it to one of her friends at school.
There were tears welling up in her eyes at this point. I asked why she would give it to her friend, and Richelle explained that she only had one page left in her journal and she wanted to give her another one. And she wanted to give her a couple of pencils. This is her friend, after all.
My heart went out to her, but I had to go on. I told her to come upstairs with me. She began crying in earnest at this point.
We went to the living room couch and I put her on my lap. She was nothing but a puddle of tears - so Kenzie and I removed her shoes and I held her. I told her it wasn't her job to buy things that the kids need for school, and she shouldn't have sneaked out money to do so. If she needed something or wanted something, she should ask us, not take money that wasn't hers.
She said she didn't want us to know about it. I told her that's exactly how sneaking and lying are - doing something you don't want someone to know about. From now on she was to talk to us about it.
She really is trying to be a good kid - but she gets some things wrong once in a while... and her intentions (if her explanation was really what happened) were good, if not misguided a bit. She always has had a good heart.
Roy is still punishing her... three days without any TV. I told Roy that perhaps what we should be doing after this is having the kids do chores and paying them an allowance. That way, they would feel they have some control over things they want. And we could use it to teach them to save a little, put some aside for charity, and then they would have some for spending any way they want to. It will be good to try and instill good money habits now while they are young, rather than them trying to figure it out when they get older.
To be continued.
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Precious thoughts
Last night, as I was laying down in bed with Kenzie, she kept saying "I can't go to sleep, mommy."
I finally asked her why. She said, "I don't want you to die."
I laughed soflty and said, "Well, I'm not dying right now and I'm very much alive. I won't die for quite a long time... so let's get some shut-eye and go to sleep."
She grabbed my arms and put her hand in mine, snuggling close and I kissed her head. She then asked, "Why do parents die before their children?"
I told her that usually, that is how things happen. We grow older, and our bodies get weaker and wear out. If we take good care of ourselves, we will live a long time, unless there is an accident. But parents need to live long enough for their kids to be independent and able to take care of themselves. That she was not to worry... by the time she was grown up and I was old, she would be asking herself "Hasn't she kicked off yet?"
Kenzie didn't find that funny. I guess I like the morbid humor, but Kenzie is really feeling a little insecure about death. I did, too, as a child. But I have had to work through that fear of being without my parents. As a kid, and even as a young adult, I felt that my life would not be worth anything if I didn't have my mom and dad.
And to be honest, it took me a long time to reconcile their dying with the natural order of things. By the time my father had his stroke, and then after 2 years dealing with that, he began to suffer mini-strokes and his body began to just shut down on him, I felt that death would be a blessing for him. He was in pain, confused, and had no life other than experiencing the process of dying. I always believed when he died, I'd break down and be an emotional wreck. But when the time came, I felt he was finally at peace. It was my mom who was the emotional wreck. I 'm sure she thought that there would be some kind of miracle and dad would pull through. So, I ended up being strong for her.
I hope I can help Kenzie understand and deal with death in a constructive and positive way. I don't expect her to shut down her emotions, but I want her to not fear our deaths so that it disrupts her life.
Then last night, in the middle of the night, I heard Richelle call, "Mommy..."
I woke up and asked "Huh?"
"I want to give you a hug."
Can't tell you how long it's been since I've been waiting for something like that. I reached over and held her, kissing her head a couple of times. And then she said, "I just wanted to give you a hug." (As if the kissing thing was just a little overboard.)
LOL! That's my girl.
I finally asked her why. She said, "I don't want you to die."
I laughed soflty and said, "Well, I'm not dying right now and I'm very much alive. I won't die for quite a long time... so let's get some shut-eye and go to sleep."
She grabbed my arms and put her hand in mine, snuggling close and I kissed her head. She then asked, "Why do parents die before their children?"
I told her that usually, that is how things happen. We grow older, and our bodies get weaker and wear out. If we take good care of ourselves, we will live a long time, unless there is an accident. But parents need to live long enough for their kids to be independent and able to take care of themselves. That she was not to worry... by the time she was grown up and I was old, she would be asking herself "Hasn't she kicked off yet?"
Kenzie didn't find that funny. I guess I like the morbid humor, but Kenzie is really feeling a little insecure about death. I did, too, as a child. But I have had to work through that fear of being without my parents. As a kid, and even as a young adult, I felt that my life would not be worth anything if I didn't have my mom and dad.
And to be honest, it took me a long time to reconcile their dying with the natural order of things. By the time my father had his stroke, and then after 2 years dealing with that, he began to suffer mini-strokes and his body began to just shut down on him, I felt that death would be a blessing for him. He was in pain, confused, and had no life other than experiencing the process of dying. I always believed when he died, I'd break down and be an emotional wreck. But when the time came, I felt he was finally at peace. It was my mom who was the emotional wreck. I 'm sure she thought that there would be some kind of miracle and dad would pull through. So, I ended up being strong for her.
I hope I can help Kenzie understand and deal with death in a constructive and positive way. I don't expect her to shut down her emotions, but I want her to not fear our deaths so that it disrupts her life.
Then last night, in the middle of the night, I heard Richelle call, "Mommy..."
I woke up and asked "Huh?"
"I want to give you a hug."
Can't tell you how long it's been since I've been waiting for something like that. I reached over and held her, kissing her head a couple of times. And then she said, "I just wanted to give you a hug." (As if the kissing thing was just a little overboard.)
LOL! That's my girl.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Somebody missed the point...
I got a comment from someone who was researching information on PJ days and things to do. She came across my post and all I can say is Wow! Did she miss the point. Here is Maria's comment left on this post - I have italicized her comment, and have written my responses... funny thing, she has a blogger account, but no blog. I view these people as hit and run bloggers. I actually like to call them Floggers - people who want to beat you down by their comments, but not allow you any access to their account because they don't have an actual blog. There's no way to have dialogue with this person except through my own blog. Don'tcha just love that?
Here goes:
Here goes:
The point I was making (which you missed entirely) was that just because something is done over and over again, which, in its repetition, becomes a “tradition”, does not make it right – no matter what excuse is used for “having fun.” Kenzie’s teacher’s explanation that pj day has “always been done” and it was “fun for the kids” is a tenuous argument - she could not provide a logical basis for doing something that was actually outside the original intent of what school is supposed to do – which is to educate our children – not to get them excited about doing something that they don’t do any other day of the year, let alone outside of the home on any consistent basis. Also, I called what people did to African Americans in the past exactly what it was: terrorizing, torture, and to hang someone from a tree is murder by any definition. You are the one who took this totally out of context. I came from a racist family. I have always hated and always will stand against racism, honey. I have to – I have two Chinese daughers who will have to deal with racism, and I need to set the example and show them that racism should never be tolerated or accepted in any way – whether directed toward them or others.
I am a recent college graduate and about to enter the field of teaching, and currently a summer day camp counselor. As I was looking for PJ Day activities for our theme day tomorrow, I came across this blog. Your analogy of PJ Day fun to the "fun" racist people once had hanging African Americans is ludicrous, not to mention misleading and offensive.
I respect your right to choose not to have your children participate in this potentially "dangerous" PJ day. And I don't know what kind of pajamas you dress your daughter in, but I'd be willing to bet that they would not be considered "intimate apparel". Most kids have brightly colored baggy matching comfy t-shirts and trousers.
In the same sentence you say you respect my right to choose, you've make a derisive inference that I'm (stupid/crazy/dumb/an idiot/whatever you want to put here) by calling PJ day "dangerous" as if that is what I posted?
Wow, that's some respect there, Maria.... and quite a leap in your interpretation of my post. Please re-read the entire post when you are of a calm mind, and please don’t just react to key buzzwords that set off those bells in your head. If all you listen to are the bells, they will occupy your mind and prevent you from thinking clearly. By the way, Webster’s definition of intimate is as follows: My use of the word intimate for pj’s would be #4 – since we only wear pj’s in the home when we go to bed (or perhaps when we are sick). Can you tell me that you wear your pj’s outside of your home? I’ll bet not. (Make that: I hope not.)
Again, you missed the point. It is dangerous to allow my children to participate year after year in questionable activities that have no educational value – it sends the wrong message to children. It is not a dangerous activity in and of itself - pj day will not incite the kids to riot or have sex or beat up on each other (or whatever!) just for participating in the one day - but pile that one day of questionable activity upon another and another, year after year, and then the kids get the message - that which is not allowed is fun and should be done. Kids are NOT stupid. That was my point.
2: marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity <intimate knowledge of the law>
3 a: marked by a warm friendship developing through long association <intimate friends> b: suggesting informal warmth or privacy <intimate clubs>
4: of a very personal or private nature <intimate secrets>
And one final thing on this point – I consider recess, phys-ed, and field trips of educational value. I highly regard play as vital to a child’s development – physical, mental, and emotional.
Have you considered the psychological effect she will encounter by being left out of this fun activity? You need to get a grip and teach your child right and wrong without isolating them from society.
No, I just do things willy-nilly depending on the mood I'm in with no consideration for my daughter's feelings. Ok - it felt good to make that facetious remark. I consider very carefully what I am doing. I’m her mother – I am the one responsible for making sure she grows up safely and with a healthy self-esteem – and a lot of that comes from her understanding that she is loved and cared about by her family and that outsiders can’t/don’t have these same concerns for her. (And big surprise! She was not the only one in the school who was kept out by their parents.) You further miss the point in this - do we (as parents) allow our kids to do everything all the other kids do so they don’t feel left out? Or do we teach our children to recognize a slippery slope and stand up for what is right or proper? I want her to learn to think about things for herself. I walked her through a series of questions to make her think about what was going on and to help her understand that she needs to stand up for what is right – not to just blindly follow the crowd. It’s called having a backbone… you know, that rigid thing that runs down your back and allows you to stand up? If she doesn’t learn to use it, she’ll fall for anything that comes her way.
You completely contradicted yourself by not wanting your child to do something seen as taboo by society.
You fail to explain how. And evidently, other readers fail to have your “recent college graduate” insight on this contradiction. I, too, am a college graduate – magna cum laude, BS in Business Administration - and proud of it. And many of my readers are college graduates – with many more years of experience in life than you. What are we missing? Please enlighten us with your erudite observations.
This kind of thing reminds me of a sign my father used to have in his room. It read something like this:
Teenagers! Tired of being harassed by your stupid parents? Act NOW! Move out, get a job, and start paying your own bills while you still know everything!
My dad had a wonderful sense of humor.
But remember when it was taboo and unacceptable to drink out of the same water fountain as African Americans?
Previous paragraphs, please.
Are you overreacting? Absolutely.
NOT. Overreacting would be suing the school. Overreacting would be running in and screaming at the principal. Overreacting would be walking up and down the street in front of the school with a picket sign.
I put my thoughts and position on the issue politely in a letter to the principal, and she understands and supports parents' rights to approve whatever extra-curricular activities the parents disagree with... and to be honest - this kind of "program" is truly extra-curricular - not within the school's main focus.
I don’t believe in the “if it feels good, do it” mentality. When year after year there is something questionable being done in the school system under the guise of “it’s fun for the kids” and there’s no logical or reasonable connection to education – it is up to me to protect my children from that type of thinking and mentality.
Take Kenzie out of public school? Hmmmm.... tempting. Especially when I come across comments like yours from those upcoming teachers who think they know more than the parents about what their kids should be exposed to in school. Gee, you’re right – parents preaching will tend to have the opposite effect. Looks like your education (whether it was from college or personal experience) has taught you something. However, as stated previously, I walked her through a set of questions to have her come to the conclusion that this is just not appropriate wear for school. There is plenty of evidence and research that shows kids learn more from their parents in the early years than from any one else. If a parent lays the foundation, the child can build upon that. And when a parent gives a child a safe and loving home, and the child knows they can talk with their parents, and that their parents care about what happens to them, the children are less likely to follow the crowd, especially if they’ve been given the opportunity and taught how to think things out for themselves. It takes a parent to help them learn this process – they aren't born knowing how to do this from birth. But if a parent doesn’t do their job and figures the kid will just learn stuff from the other kids – then that child will not have any foundation to build on. Yes, kids can be led astray from the foundations laid by parents. No-brainer there. And that is facilitated - even encouraged - when parents begin to abdicate their responsibility to teach their kids right from wrong and leave it in the hands of the school or other caregivers – or when they just plain don’t care anymore after the child reaches a certain age. Parenting isn’t just picking the kid up from a daycare or school and feeding it then putting it to bed. (Lest you further misinterpret that statement, I am talking about children as if they are objects to demonstrate how some parents do not treat their children as sentient beings and therefore needing more than just the basics of food and shelter. I have seen many a parent who believes that as long as they feed, clothe and give their kids a bed to sleep in, they have done their job.
Why not just take Kenzie out of school so you can shelter her from anything else taboo since you don't want her to "figure it out on her own". How do you think children learn? I can guarantee that it is not by their parents preaching.
It is completely disheartening when I know this is how the child is treated by his/her own parents. When you are teaching, you will learn to recognize the kids who come from families who parent and those who don’t.) I thank GOD that this is the exception to the vast number of parents in the world - most treasure their children beyond measure and would stand between their child and a charging lion (or rhino, or elephant, ect.).
Please remember that those “controlling” and “obnoxious” parents you are loathe to deal with in the future are the ones who are also paying your salary… Unless you will be teaching at a private school, you will be paid by state and federal funds, which come from us – the taxpayers – and that includes us “controlling” parents. However, you are welcome… if this is preparing you for the parents who love their kids and who are more than aware of the pitfalls schools tend to go down and take action to protect their children from idealogy gone amuck… then I’m happy to be of service. Your protestations make me wonder about your own childhood and relationship with your parents. Perhaps yours was not the happiest of upbringings. We reveal much about ourselves when we write… sometimes inadvertently… I know as a teenager and young adult, I had no respect for my parents and what they would tell me about life and my behaviors. At that time, and in my eyes, they were – in your words – controlling. Today, after living on my own for 18 years, then being married for 10.5 years and then with children in our home for the last 5 – I realize they were amongst the wisest people I have ever known. And that they loved me. And just for the record, one final note: I am making an assumption here that you don’t have kids. You don’t mention any, so I am going to make this observation based on the fact that most people who have kids and want to comment mention their children as a basis for their opinions. I love it when someone who has never raised a child themselves tries to tell me how to raise my kids or that I’m wrong to parent the way I do. It never fails that someone who has no 24/7, full time, hands-on, bonded, attached, connected-heart-mind-and-soul experience with children thinks they know so much more than those of us who are forever our childrens' parents. It's obvious to me that those who have no child-rearing experience have so much to teach those of us who are actually doing the job of rearing our children.
You have completely blown this out of proportion. Thank you for preparing me for the controlling and obnoxious parents I will probably encounter when I begin teaching.
Good luck in your chosen profession, Maria.
Friday, March 27, 2009
I want spring! Change my attitude, dude!
I am sooooooooooo not into the early spring weather where it turns warm, turns cold, turns warm, turns cold.... make up your mind, Mother Nature!!!!! I'm tired of the old weather.
It's just one of those days. The kids goofed off this morning and wouldn't do what they needed to WHEN they needed to so I could get both off to school in a fairly decent time. I, of course, became Drill Sargeant Mommy: "Do it! Do it! Do it!" (Think of the sargeant in the Gomer Pyle sitcom.... yeah, not a pretty picture.)
Kenzie is getting tired of Jia wanting to copy her every move. I keep trying to explain to Kenzie that Jia idolizes everything she is doing - and wants to be like her. She is looking to Kenzie to show her what is okay and not.
To complicate matters, Jia has been told not to goof off in a certain dining room chair. They are unstable if you arent' sitting still (easy to make one fall over) and I don't know if she just keeps forgetting or thinks it funny to make it go all wobbly and mommy's-punishments-be-damned-I'll-do-what-I-want-to.... She's been admonished three times in less than 24 hours over her antics. So she's not too happy with me right now, either...
I thank God that these days aren't the usual - but when we have them - I just hate the feeling it leaves me with. I need to just let it go and let the kids learn somehow that their bad behavior has its own consequences. However, too many tardies for Kenzie and it's Roy and I who will be called into the principal's office.
Thankfully, I've learned a lesson from a prior day when we had one of these difficult days. I had been angry with the kids (for a lot of the same reasons) and didn't hug or kiss Kenzie when I dropped her off at school. I cried the whole morning feeling bad, thinking that if something happened to her, she wouldn't know just how much I loved her. Her last thoughts would be something like "Mommy doesn't love me" or "Mommy hates me." But nothing could have been further from the truth. When I picked her up that day, I held her so close and let her know how sorry I was for how the morning went.
I just know that usually, these mornings are not going to be a big deal in the long run... but I'll be glad when they are older and more mature and can at least keep to a task (more or less) - and then I'll be back to square one when they become full-fledged teenagers.
It's just one of those days. The kids goofed off this morning and wouldn't do what they needed to WHEN they needed to so I could get both off to school in a fairly decent time. I, of course, became Drill Sargeant Mommy: "Do it! Do it! Do it!" (Think of the sargeant in the Gomer Pyle sitcom.... yeah, not a pretty picture.)
Kenzie is getting tired of Jia wanting to copy her every move. I keep trying to explain to Kenzie that Jia idolizes everything she is doing - and wants to be like her. She is looking to Kenzie to show her what is okay and not.
To complicate matters, Jia has been told not to goof off in a certain dining room chair. They are unstable if you arent' sitting still (easy to make one fall over) and I don't know if she just keeps forgetting or thinks it funny to make it go all wobbly and mommy's-punishments-be-damned-I'll-do-what-I-want-to.... She's been admonished three times in less than 24 hours over her antics. So she's not too happy with me right now, either...
I thank God that these days aren't the usual - but when we have them - I just hate the feeling it leaves me with. I need to just let it go and let the kids learn somehow that their bad behavior has its own consequences. However, too many tardies for Kenzie and it's Roy and I who will be called into the principal's office.
Thankfully, I've learned a lesson from a prior day when we had one of these difficult days. I had been angry with the kids (for a lot of the same reasons) and didn't hug or kiss Kenzie when I dropped her off at school. I cried the whole morning feeling bad, thinking that if something happened to her, she wouldn't know just how much I loved her. Her last thoughts would be something like "Mommy doesn't love me" or "Mommy hates me." But nothing could have been further from the truth. When I picked her up that day, I held her so close and let her know how sorry I was for how the morning went.
I just know that usually, these mornings are not going to be a big deal in the long run... but I'll be glad when they are older and more mature and can at least keep to a task (more or less) - and then I'll be back to square one when they become full-fledged teenagers.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
More questions from my 6 year old
The other night, after Jia went to sleep, Kenzie had some burning questions on her mind.
K: Mommy, how do you get rid of a baby?
Me: (with eyes popping out of my head) Do what?!?
K: How do you get rid of a baby?
Me: (hazarding a guess here...) Do you mean how do you birth a baby?
K: Yeah! How do you get it out of here? (Pointing at my abdomen)
Me: You know what, Kenzie? I think it's time we went to the library and found some books that show how a baby grows inside a woman's womb and how it is born. That would help you
understand.
K: OK! (Excited)
Then...
K: Mommy, why didn't you have a baby?
Me: I just never found the right man to have children with until I met your father. I never wanted to have a child with someone I knew wouldn't be good to my kids, and I wasn't willing to settle for just any guy. But when I met your father, I knew he'd be a great daddy - he's patient and kind and gentle. But we never talked about having children before we married, and when we did get married, he said he didn't want to have kids. I think he thought he wouldn't make a very good daddy - I don't think he had much confidence in himself. But you have a great daddy, honey. He's one of the best.
So, if you ever think you want to marry a man, be sure to talk about kids - when you'll have them, how many you want - be sure you agree on these things, because it's important to your happiness. And be sure the man you marry wants you to stay home with your children to take care of them. Your kids will need you more than any job ever will.
You know what, Kenzie? I wouldn't have changed one moment of my life - because we ended up with you and Jia - and we love you more than you'll ever know. We got two sweet and smart little girls who mean everything to us. We're the lucky ones.
A couple moments of silence while she hugs my arm and giggles. Then....
K: Mommy, how do you break up with a man?
Me: Are you planning on breaking up with someone?
K: NO! Just... how do you break up with a man?
Well, I went on about meeting him in a neutral place so she could feel safe, and that she needed to be honest - just come out and say that the relationship wasn't working out as she expected and that she thought it would be best for each of them to part ways, that there are no hard feelings toward them, just that what you want out of a relationship isn't working in this one. Then leave the restaurant first by yourself (don't let him follow you out to your car). And also, don't answer his phone calls if he calls you.
K: Why wouldn't I answer his phone calls?
Me: You don't want to lead him on... you don't want a man to think that there is still something between you and you don't want to hurt his feelings any more than you may have already done.
(Let me just say that I'll touch on stalkers when she's older.... I'm just trying to help her break up with a man at this point...)
K: How do you break up with a man when you're married? (Now I am assuming she means she's married to a man and wants to break up the marriage.... not sure where all these questions are coming from...)
Me: Well, that's done with a divorce. But let me say one thing, Kenzie. Unless you are married to a man who beats you or your kids, or a man who does drugs or alcohol, or is wreckless with your money, you owe it to your children to try to make the marriage work... which means both you and your husband need to get help to work out the problems. But if he's not a good man, then you need to leave to protect yourself and any kids you have.
K: What's a divorce?
Me: It's a legal procedure where one or both people ask the courts to dissolve the marriage. To dissolve a marriage is to break it or make it no more. At least one or both couples show up in front of a judge and he says 'You get this' and 'He will get that' and the judge will determine who gets custody of the kids and what kind of visitation the other parent can have with the children, and then he grants the divorce so the man and woman aren't married anymore.
Another moment of silence.... then:
K: How does a pirate get a "P" on his arm?
Did anyone watch Pirates of the Carribean? That should explain that question...
K: Mommy, how do you get rid of a baby?
Me: (with eyes popping out of my head) Do what?!?
K: How do you get rid of a baby?
Me: (hazarding a guess here...) Do you mean how do you birth a baby?
K: Yeah! How do you get it out of here? (Pointing at my abdomen)
Me: You know what, Kenzie? I think it's time we went to the library and found some books that show how a baby grows inside a woman's womb and how it is born. That would help you
understand.
K: OK! (Excited)
Then...
K: Mommy, why didn't you have a baby?
Me: I just never found the right man to have children with until I met your father. I never wanted to have a child with someone I knew wouldn't be good to my kids, and I wasn't willing to settle for just any guy. But when I met your father, I knew he'd be a great daddy - he's patient and kind and gentle. But we never talked about having children before we married, and when we did get married, he said he didn't want to have kids. I think he thought he wouldn't make a very good daddy - I don't think he had much confidence in himself. But you have a great daddy, honey. He's one of the best.
So, if you ever think you want to marry a man, be sure to talk about kids - when you'll have them, how many you want - be sure you agree on these things, because it's important to your happiness. And be sure the man you marry wants you to stay home with your children to take care of them. Your kids will need you more than any job ever will.
You know what, Kenzie? I wouldn't have changed one moment of my life - because we ended up with you and Jia - and we love you more than you'll ever know. We got two sweet and smart little girls who mean everything to us. We're the lucky ones.
A couple moments of silence while she hugs my arm and giggles. Then....
K: Mommy, how do you break up with a man?
Me: Are you planning on breaking up with someone?
K: NO! Just... how do you break up with a man?
Well, I went on about meeting him in a neutral place so she could feel safe, and that she needed to be honest - just come out and say that the relationship wasn't working out as she expected and that she thought it would be best for each of them to part ways, that there are no hard feelings toward them, just that what you want out of a relationship isn't working in this one. Then leave the restaurant first by yourself (don't let him follow you out to your car). And also, don't answer his phone calls if he calls you.
K: Why wouldn't I answer his phone calls?
Me: You don't want to lead him on... you don't want a man to think that there is still something between you and you don't want to hurt his feelings any more than you may have already done.
(Let me just say that I'll touch on stalkers when she's older.... I'm just trying to help her break up with a man at this point...)
K: How do you break up with a man when you're married? (Now I am assuming she means she's married to a man and wants to break up the marriage.... not sure where all these questions are coming from...)
Me: Well, that's done with a divorce. But let me say one thing, Kenzie. Unless you are married to a man who beats you or your kids, or a man who does drugs or alcohol, or is wreckless with your money, you owe it to your children to try to make the marriage work... which means both you and your husband need to get help to work out the problems. But if he's not a good man, then you need to leave to protect yourself and any kids you have.
K: What's a divorce?
Me: It's a legal procedure where one or both people ask the courts to dissolve the marriage. To dissolve a marriage is to break it or make it no more. At least one or both couples show up in front of a judge and he says 'You get this' and 'He will get that' and the judge will determine who gets custody of the kids and what kind of visitation the other parent can have with the children, and then he grants the divorce so the man and woman aren't married anymore.
Another moment of silence.... then:
K: How does a pirate get a "P" on his arm?
Did anyone watch Pirates of the Carribean? That should explain that question...
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
An opinion regarding sex ed in grade school
A friend of mine who lives in England offered the following comment on one of my posts, asking for my opinion.
I would like to have your opinion on an issue. A grade school in England is going to give same sex education to children. One of the stories being used in the course is about "the story of two princes." Evidently, a prince has his pick of princesses from different Kingdoms. But the most eligible bachelor chooses a prince instead. And they live happily ever after. There are other curriculum literature in that same vein. You get the idea. A lot of parents are up in arms. They say that their kids are too young to be exposed to that message. But their threat to withhold their children's attendance on days specific to the course is now countered by the council's (responsible for local education) threat to sue the "offending" parents for unauthorized absence. Children's organizations are backing the parents, saying that they have the right to decide what is suitable for their offsprings, within reason. This is just one of the many "battlefronts" being opened in the educational establishment's search for a way forward in the 21st Century. I am with the parents on this one. To push "Little Katie with dad and dad at home" books down the throats of little ones is just absurd. I myself learned about homosexuality after going abroad in my late teens. For a time, I had strong prejudices against it. But I have come to accept homosexuals as people who have the right to choose their way of life. Why confuse children whose priority should be the three Rs, soccer, and brownies. It is alright to have fun; but the main purpose of schooling is to learn important skills and knowledge, not play around with gimmicks.
Ok, I have an opinion... as always...
When I was in grade school, the only sex education I got was when we were in sixth grade and the girls went to the gymnasium (which was also the room used for an auditorium and the cafeteria) to watch a movie about menstrual cycles. These girls were 11 to 12 years old - so that is an appropriate age to be sure that young girls understand what is to happen to them soon. My mother explained the facts of life to me at 9 years old, including the basics of what the word rape meant. My mom is to be commended for being open about sex, the sex act, and relevant sexual matters that a young girl would need to know about at appropriate times. She knew what I was ready for and when to tell me.
However (and I understand that these were the 1960's in a small town) homosexuality was not a subject that was talked about openly, and people were not willing to divulge their sexual preferences if it wasn't considered "the norm". In fact, I prefer it when even heterosexual couples were not sticking their tongues down each others' throats in public. Very young children should not see overt sexual behavior no matter where it comes from.
So - I was trying to remember when and where I learned about homosexuality. I can't place a time or date of when I learned or heard of it. I am guessing that I either heard talk about it at school (by other kids) or there was something said on tv. However it happened, I know I asked my parents about it.
Now, I can tell you, my parents weren't kind about these types of relationships. My mother's idea that it was an abomination was a bit extreme for me (it always seemed a bit too contrived, no matter how much one might use the Bible to buttress the argument), and my father's basic stance was if men and men or women and women were meant to be together, they'd be able to have babies with each other and create families.
I've come to the conclusion over the years that children should be taught to respect people regardless of race, religion, ethnicity - and yes, even their sexual preferences. (As a matter of common sense, this rules OUT pedophiles. I have no problem with the death penalty for pedophiles.)
As the parent of young children, it is my opinion that NO government agency has the right to usurp the parents' responsibility to teach their children what they wish them to know and when they wish them to know it, especially when it comes to such controversial and personal matters as sex education for children in grade school. I know this assumes all parents will be responsible enough to talk to their kids... and there are parents out there who are too embarrassed or just plain don't care what their kids know about sexual matters. But there is no excuse for a school to assume they know better than all the parents of these students.
My daughters will be taught by me - and not a school -- as to what I think they need to know and when I presume they are ready for it. Kenzie at an early age has seen some commercials where a woman holds the hand of another woman, and a man embraces another man - and her reaction was "EEEEEUUUUW! Boys don't belong with boys! And girls don't belong with girls!" Now, I've never taught her that, but she has seen examples in her every day life of man/woman relationships - including that her mommy is a woman married to a man - and of course, Disney movies always have the heroine marrying or falling in love with a man. Her genetic makeup so far has her crushing on boys (already) .
As for the school system threatening to sue the parents... I say bring it on, baby! As the parents of these children, I would find a really great lawyer and counter sue the school as a group (therefore spreading out the costs - unless one would be willing to do it pro bono) and take on the system. I cannot believe the arrogance and the bullying that takes place on the part of liberal systems such as these. And parents need - MUST - assert their right to be the guardians of their childrens' lives and make the decisions for the minor children in their care. The school system has no personal bond or interest in the kids. They only wish to push their agenda.
Keep the kids out for that day. I'm proud of the parents who want to stand up for their rights to be their kids' guardians of their innocence.
Like it or not, homosexuality is not the normal sexual development for the majority of folks. I've never, with just a few exceptions, have ever thought it a conscious choice, but rather a result of brain chemistry that went a different direction than what the majority of babies in the womb developed into. I have a brother who is homosexual. I always knew he was "different". As a young child, he was an incredibly unhappy person. Perhaps this is because he knew he wanted to be with boys and he intuitively understood that this wasn't a normal outcome for most males. But I can tell you that being homosexual is just what he is... not what he has chosen. When Kenzie and Jia are old enough to begin to understand, or when they ask the questions about same sex relationships, I will give them the answers. I will not allow a school system to force the issue on my kids.
Anyone willing to comment on this and you disagree with me, please be very specific about what your objections are - and do tell me how many children you have raised.
I would like to have your opinion on an issue. A grade school in England is going to give same sex education to children. One of the stories being used in the course is about "the story of two princes." Evidently, a prince has his pick of princesses from different Kingdoms. But the most eligible bachelor chooses a prince instead. And they live happily ever after. There are other curriculum literature in that same vein. You get the idea. A lot of parents are up in arms. They say that their kids are too young to be exposed to that message. But their threat to withhold their children's attendance on days specific to the course is now countered by the council's (responsible for local education) threat to sue the "offending" parents for unauthorized absence. Children's organizations are backing the parents, saying that they have the right to decide what is suitable for their offsprings, within reason. This is just one of the many "battlefronts" being opened in the educational establishment's search for a way forward in the 21st Century. I am with the parents on this one. To push "Little Katie with dad and dad at home" books down the throats of little ones is just absurd. I myself learned about homosexuality after going abroad in my late teens. For a time, I had strong prejudices against it. But I have come to accept homosexuals as people who have the right to choose their way of life. Why confuse children whose priority should be the three Rs, soccer, and brownies. It is alright to have fun; but the main purpose of schooling is to learn important skills and knowledge, not play around with gimmicks.
Ok, I have an opinion... as always...
When I was in grade school, the only sex education I got was when we were in sixth grade and the girls went to the gymnasium (which was also the room used for an auditorium and the cafeteria) to watch a movie about menstrual cycles. These girls were 11 to 12 years old - so that is an appropriate age to be sure that young girls understand what is to happen to them soon. My mother explained the facts of life to me at 9 years old, including the basics of what the word rape meant. My mom is to be commended for being open about sex, the sex act, and relevant sexual matters that a young girl would need to know about at appropriate times. She knew what I was ready for and when to tell me.
However (and I understand that these were the 1960's in a small town) homosexuality was not a subject that was talked about openly, and people were not willing to divulge their sexual preferences if it wasn't considered "the norm". In fact, I prefer it when even heterosexual couples were not sticking their tongues down each others' throats in public. Very young children should not see overt sexual behavior no matter where it comes from.
So - I was trying to remember when and where I learned about homosexuality. I can't place a time or date of when I learned or heard of it. I am guessing that I either heard talk about it at school (by other kids) or there was something said on tv. However it happened, I know I asked my parents about it.
Now, I can tell you, my parents weren't kind about these types of relationships. My mother's idea that it was an abomination was a bit extreme for me (it always seemed a bit too contrived, no matter how much one might use the Bible to buttress the argument), and my father's basic stance was if men and men or women and women were meant to be together, they'd be able to have babies with each other and create families.
I've come to the conclusion over the years that children should be taught to respect people regardless of race, religion, ethnicity - and yes, even their sexual preferences. (As a matter of common sense, this rules OUT pedophiles. I have no problem with the death penalty for pedophiles.)
As the parent of young children, it is my opinion that NO government agency has the right to usurp the parents' responsibility to teach their children what they wish them to know and when they wish them to know it, especially when it comes to such controversial and personal matters as sex education for children in grade school. I know this assumes all parents will be responsible enough to talk to their kids... and there are parents out there who are too embarrassed or just plain don't care what their kids know about sexual matters. But there is no excuse for a school to assume they know better than all the parents of these students.
My daughters will be taught by me - and not a school -- as to what I think they need to know and when I presume they are ready for it. Kenzie at an early age has seen some commercials where a woman holds the hand of another woman, and a man embraces another man - and her reaction was "EEEEEUUUUW! Boys don't belong with boys! And girls don't belong with girls!" Now, I've never taught her that, but she has seen examples in her every day life of man/woman relationships - including that her mommy is a woman married to a man - and of course, Disney movies always have the heroine marrying or falling in love with a man. Her genetic makeup so far has her crushing on boys (already) .
As for the school system threatening to sue the parents... I say bring it on, baby! As the parents of these children, I would find a really great lawyer and counter sue the school as a group (therefore spreading out the costs - unless one would be willing to do it pro bono) and take on the system. I cannot believe the arrogance and the bullying that takes place on the part of liberal systems such as these. And parents need - MUST - assert their right to be the guardians of their childrens' lives and make the decisions for the minor children in their care. The school system has no personal bond or interest in the kids. They only wish to push their agenda.
Keep the kids out for that day. I'm proud of the parents who want to stand up for their rights to be their kids' guardians of their innocence.
Like it or not, homosexuality is not the normal sexual development for the majority of folks. I've never, with just a few exceptions, have ever thought it a conscious choice, but rather a result of brain chemistry that went a different direction than what the majority of babies in the womb developed into. I have a brother who is homosexual. I always knew he was "different". As a young child, he was an incredibly unhappy person. Perhaps this is because he knew he wanted to be with boys and he intuitively understood that this wasn't a normal outcome for most males. But I can tell you that being homosexual is just what he is... not what he has chosen. When Kenzie and Jia are old enough to begin to understand, or when they ask the questions about same sex relationships, I will give them the answers. I will not allow a school system to force the issue on my kids.
Anyone willing to comment on this and you disagree with me, please be very specific about what your objections are - and do tell me how many children you have raised.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
I am a fool
I'm not the brightest bulb in the chandelier. I never will be. That I accept. This parenting thing with Jia is making it painfully clear to me - I'm not sure if I'm doing the right things or not when disciplining her. It's like I'm finding my way with her, with both kids, to find a balance and approach that works best. Is it like that with every parent? I suppose if I wasn't such a type A personality, I might be able to handle things better. Or is that a delusion on my part?
Our first adoption went so smoothly. Not the mechanics of it, but the bonding, attachment, Kenzie's acceptance of us, her quiet, easy-going ways... I kept saying she was such a great kid because of her personality, because of the kind of kid she was - that we were this happy family because we ended up with a child who was easy to parent. My husband kept saying that it was also because we were good parents... that we had a hand in her being such a good kid. I only believe part of that - if we had been abusive parents, she would not have been this happy, sweet, loving, child that we have brought up.
I had doubts about my parenting skills, but began to believe (just the faintest little bit) Roy's version of why Kenzie was such a wonderful child. In doing so, I lulled myself into thinking I could handle anything that came our way with our second child. Everyone said to me that going from one to two kids is not twice as hard, it's ten times as hard.
They hadn't met Jia.
It's not ten times as hard, it's far more than that.
From the start, we were overwhelmed with her touching everything in sight, not listening to us, and generally not taking anything we tried to teach her seriously.
Jia is super smart - I see it every day. And I don't want to dampen her exuberance. She can be a really fun and funny kid. And she is really enjoying life - eating it up like six scoops of your favorite ice cream... except I'm the one who's getting the ice cream headache.
It's been difficult... and I'm not used to having a kid (who, by the way, is more like my personality than Kenzie is) with so much going for her, but for whatever reason, she just isnt' getting it. And then I realize, it's not that she's got problems. I'm the one with the problem.
She's a normal kid.
This is what a normal kid is like. This is what REAL parenting is all about. Jia in many ways reminds me of my brother Richard. She is super intelligent - and I can tell because she is talking in fairly complete sentences and can tell you what is going on and I guarantee that you'll understand everything she's saying - and it's only been three months. She is logical, but not in calm way (how do I explain this...?) She can figure things out for herself, and is great at explaining how something is supposed to work or what order we do things in or she'll tell me what order she expects something to happen in - and her order is extremely logical.
At the same time, I have had to tell her for the thousandth time not to do something, and she'll be doing okay and then BAM! She looks you straight in the face and does it anyway. Is it forgetfulness? Is it defiance? Or is she assuming that because we let her do one thing (like allow her to play with a program on Kenzie's computer) that she thinks she can touch anything she wants on Kenzie's computer - such as the on button - to which she turned off Kenzie's computer the wrong way...) If she's testing me, then she gets what she's testing for... another time out.
At least now, with the time outs, I can sit and talk with her while she throws her kicking and screaming fits and she understands what is being said. In between, she stops and wants me to hug her, and then she lays back down and screams and kicks - frustration, mad, anger, and the ever present phrase "I'm not happy." No shit, kiddo!
I don't know about her, but I'm insanely, deliriously, giggly happy to have a kid who refuses to listen to what I say or follow my directions or take to heart my suggestions.
I have to joke about it, because if I can't make myself laugh, I'm going to be doing a lot of crying. And I don't like crying.
I think one of the hardest things for me is, she'll start a crying jag when she isn't given her way, and when I make some kind of comment about something else, she immediately stops crying and smiles, as if there was nothing wrong. So why was she crying??? Was it real hurt or anguish??? Or was it manipulation??? I have no clue - I know nothing about her life in the orphanage, so I have nothing to guide me. My philosophy is that unless I know what happened, doing nothing is better than reacting to an unknown. I pretty much ignore the crying anymore unless I know that there was an argument between her and Kenzie or that she got physically hurt.
Maybe she is settling in. Maybe I'm getting a little better. Maybe things aren't going to be all that bad after all... because yesterday was a good day. Instead of time out, I talked with her instead. Like when she took an erasable marker and marked all over a plastic bowl she had. Kenzie brought it to me and showed me (ever the little tattle tale) and I had Jia come to me. I took the marker from her and asked her if the marker was for writing on bowls. She said no - she knew she'd done wrong and was doing her best not to break down in tears. I told her that if the marker could be washed off the bowl, she could have her marker back, but no more writing with it on anything other than the book it was meant to be used on. But if it didn't come off, I would keep it until she wanted to use it for the book, but she would have to give it back to me until I was sure she would use it correctly every time.
You could literally see her holding her breath as I washed the bowl. Kenzie was, too, but I think she was secretly hoping it wouldn't come off. It washed off easily, and I told Jia she was very lucky, gave her back the marker and just said, "No more marking on bowls, plates, or cups... only use it in the book." She shook her head yes (visibly relieved but also big tears in her eyes). I hugged her and let her go on to play.
And the whole day was like that - no getting angry, no "monster mommy" getting crazy with her head spinning in circles (a joke between Kenzie and me - something that makes her laugh at me because I am not always a calm person). I spent yesterday talking with Jia to let her know what she was doing wrong and what she could do right. Until the evening.
I dunno about you, but goofing off with a tooth brush in your mouth, not brushing your teeth when told to, and running around with the tooth brush in your mouth is a capital offense in my house. (Ok, that's a joke - but the running around with the tooth brush in her mouth is something she knows she's not supposed to do, and too dangerous not to emphasize with time out. That is, time out with a talk while she is being punished.)
The one thing I am grateful for is that she is learning she can ask me for things. Last night, she asked for me to hold her. So I did. I held her and rocked her. And we had plenty of cuddle time for both of them yesterday... so maybe that was also a factor in keeping calmer - for all of us.
I know Jia will begin to catch on to our rules and family dynamics. I'm hoping Kenzie's jealousy will calm down a bit. Things will begin to settle down at some point. And I am working to calm the "monster mommy" inside to a purring kitty cat.
Our first adoption went so smoothly. Not the mechanics of it, but the bonding, attachment, Kenzie's acceptance of us, her quiet, easy-going ways... I kept saying she was such a great kid because of her personality, because of the kind of kid she was - that we were this happy family because we ended up with a child who was easy to parent. My husband kept saying that it was also because we were good parents... that we had a hand in her being such a good kid. I only believe part of that - if we had been abusive parents, she would not have been this happy, sweet, loving, child that we have brought up.
I had doubts about my parenting skills, but began to believe (just the faintest little bit) Roy's version of why Kenzie was such a wonderful child. In doing so, I lulled myself into thinking I could handle anything that came our way with our second child. Everyone said to me that going from one to two kids is not twice as hard, it's ten times as hard.
They hadn't met Jia.
It's not ten times as hard, it's far more than that.
From the start, we were overwhelmed with her touching everything in sight, not listening to us, and generally not taking anything we tried to teach her seriously.
Jia is super smart - I see it every day. And I don't want to dampen her exuberance. She can be a really fun and funny kid. And she is really enjoying life - eating it up like six scoops of your favorite ice cream... except I'm the one who's getting the ice cream headache.
It's been difficult... and I'm not used to having a kid (who, by the way, is more like my personality than Kenzie is) with so much going for her, but for whatever reason, she just isnt' getting it. And then I realize, it's not that she's got problems. I'm the one with the problem.
She's a normal kid.
This is what a normal kid is like. This is what REAL parenting is all about. Jia in many ways reminds me of my brother Richard. She is super intelligent - and I can tell because she is talking in fairly complete sentences and can tell you what is going on and I guarantee that you'll understand everything she's saying - and it's only been three months. She is logical, but not in calm way (how do I explain this...?) She can figure things out for herself, and is great at explaining how something is supposed to work or what order we do things in or she'll tell me what order she expects something to happen in - and her order is extremely logical.
At the same time, I have had to tell her for the thousandth time not to do something, and she'll be doing okay and then BAM! She looks you straight in the face and does it anyway. Is it forgetfulness? Is it defiance? Or is she assuming that because we let her do one thing (like allow her to play with a program on Kenzie's computer) that she thinks she can touch anything she wants on Kenzie's computer - such as the on button - to which she turned off Kenzie's computer the wrong way...) If she's testing me, then she gets what she's testing for... another time out.
At least now, with the time outs, I can sit and talk with her while she throws her kicking and screaming fits and she understands what is being said. In between, she stops and wants me to hug her, and then she lays back down and screams and kicks - frustration, mad, anger, and the ever present phrase "I'm not happy." No shit, kiddo!
I don't know about her, but I'm insanely, deliriously, giggly happy to have a kid who refuses to listen to what I say or follow my directions or take to heart my suggestions.
I have to joke about it, because if I can't make myself laugh, I'm going to be doing a lot of crying. And I don't like crying.
I think one of the hardest things for me is, she'll start a crying jag when she isn't given her way, and when I make some kind of comment about something else, she immediately stops crying and smiles, as if there was nothing wrong. So why was she crying??? Was it real hurt or anguish??? Or was it manipulation??? I have no clue - I know nothing about her life in the orphanage, so I have nothing to guide me. My philosophy is that unless I know what happened, doing nothing is better than reacting to an unknown. I pretty much ignore the crying anymore unless I know that there was an argument between her and Kenzie or that she got physically hurt.
Maybe she is settling in. Maybe I'm getting a little better. Maybe things aren't going to be all that bad after all... because yesterday was a good day. Instead of time out, I talked with her instead. Like when she took an erasable marker and marked all over a plastic bowl she had. Kenzie brought it to me and showed me (ever the little tattle tale) and I had Jia come to me. I took the marker from her and asked her if the marker was for writing on bowls. She said no - she knew she'd done wrong and was doing her best not to break down in tears. I told her that if the marker could be washed off the bowl, she could have her marker back, but no more writing with it on anything other than the book it was meant to be used on. But if it didn't come off, I would keep it until she wanted to use it for the book, but she would have to give it back to me until I was sure she would use it correctly every time.
You could literally see her holding her breath as I washed the bowl. Kenzie was, too, but I think she was secretly hoping it wouldn't come off. It washed off easily, and I told Jia she was very lucky, gave her back the marker and just said, "No more marking on bowls, plates, or cups... only use it in the book." She shook her head yes (visibly relieved but also big tears in her eyes). I hugged her and let her go on to play.
And the whole day was like that - no getting angry, no "monster mommy" getting crazy with her head spinning in circles (a joke between Kenzie and me - something that makes her laugh at me because I am not always a calm person). I spent yesterday talking with Jia to let her know what she was doing wrong and what she could do right. Until the evening.
I dunno about you, but goofing off with a tooth brush in your mouth, not brushing your teeth when told to, and running around with the tooth brush in your mouth is a capital offense in my house. (Ok, that's a joke - but the running around with the tooth brush in her mouth is something she knows she's not supposed to do, and too dangerous not to emphasize with time out. That is, time out with a talk while she is being punished.)
The one thing I am grateful for is that she is learning she can ask me for things. Last night, she asked for me to hold her. So I did. I held her and rocked her. And we had plenty of cuddle time for both of them yesterday... so maybe that was also a factor in keeping calmer - for all of us.
I know Jia will begin to catch on to our rules and family dynamics. I'm hoping Kenzie's jealousy will calm down a bit. Things will begin to settle down at some point. And I am working to calm the "monster mommy" inside to a purring kitty cat.
Friday, January 09, 2009
Two steps forward, five steps back...
Yesterday wasn't one of our better days.
First, there was no school for Kenzie. She had mixed emotions about that. She loves school and she loves staying home with mom. So which was she going to whine about? Still trying to figure that out.
Then, I had to go to the Social Security office to apply for Jia's social security number. The last time I was there, I was told the only other thing I needed was her Certificate of Citizenship. So, with that in hand, I go back and what does the clerk say this time? "You need to have her Indiana birth certificate before we can process her social security number."
I blew a gasket at that point. Doesn't anybody in government know what the $&%@ they are doing anymore? No one understands the rules, and they certainly don't understand how long it takes to go through the process of getting the Indiana delayed birth certificate for a child adopted internationally. AAAAUUUUUGGGHH! We need to do our taxes.
Four and a half years ago, when we got Kenzie's SSN, this wasn't a big issue. They took what we had and got us her number.
The man to whom my WRATH was directed said he'd go talk to his supervisor. Which is exactly when Jia decided to break out with all holy hell...
She decided that it was time to touch everything she could, try to run off with stuff that she had no idea what she was taking, and throwing Kenzie's coat on the floor over and over and over again while Kenzie is telling her to stop.
I picked her up and sat her down, to which she SCREAMED and slid down off the chair. So I picked her up again and put her on the chair... over and over again until I finally picked up her feet and laid her down across the chairs so she couldn't slide off. She screamed bloody murder the whole time. I never raised my voice, and simply told her "Jia, you need to calm down. Calm down, Jia. You want down? (nodding with screaming) You need to calm down. Mommy needs to talk with you."
I finally leaned down to her ear and whispered "Do you want to get done here and go eat?" She stopped screaming and brought it down to a whimper. She then began to calm down. I again whispered to her, "You cannot throw Kenzie's or anybody else's coat on the floor. You must not touch anything here except the toys we brought in. You can play with either toy we have. Are you ready to get down now?"
Nodding... no screaming. No more whimpering. Quiet.
I stood up and helped her get her boots back on (she had kicked them off in the fit she had thrown. Then she got up and behaved a little better. All I was going for was some sense of control so she wouldn't tear up everything.
I don't know what people thought of me, Jia, or the whole scenario. I'm sure some were horrified at her behavior, and others horrified at mine. I kept expecting to see the police pull up and enter the building because someone complained that I was abusing her. The other half of me wanted to apologize to everyone for the whole scene. I'm pretty sure everyone was thinking "Glad it's HER and not ME!"
Whatever.
I keep wondering what the hell am I doing wrong? I wonder if the austerity of the office reminded her of the orphanage.... and she reverted to what may have been her typical behavior she had displayed when living in the orphanage. Out of control.
How do I help this child learn how to regulate her emotions and actions? I am so ill equipped in this area. Roy and I knew that we wouldn't get as lucky as we did with Kenzie... Kenzie is easy going, and easy to discipline. Jia - totally out of control. She just doesn't seem to "get it". I can't let her run around destroying everything in her sight with the idea that "she just doesn't understand." She is a really smart kid. Really smart. But she wants to do what she wants to do and she doesn't want anyone to tell her NO. We can see she has a good heart... she wants to be a good little sister, and she loves us and wants to help wherever she can. She will out of the blue hug us and say "I love you" and generally be affectionate. And we have our good times... teasing and laughing and tickling and the gentle touches (me to her, her to me). So it's not all bad.
But the short bouts in-between when she is out of control takes so much energy. And yesterday left my right hand with a pinched nerve or tendon - something got twisted and now all I have to do is move the wrong way and I'm in pain.
Anyone with any book suggestions that can help here - or any suggestions from the BTDT crowd - feel free to jump in and tell me what I'm doing wrong. I just don't know anymore. I always thought I was a decent mother... NOT perfect, NOT exceptional - just good enough that I could at least make sure the kids made it through the day without killing each other. And perhaps we'd have peace MOST of the day. I am hoping that yesterday was just one of those days and it doesn't happen again. But if it does.... I am begging for insight.
First, there was no school for Kenzie. She had mixed emotions about that. She loves school and she loves staying home with mom. So which was she going to whine about? Still trying to figure that out.
Then, I had to go to the Social Security office to apply for Jia's social security number. The last time I was there, I was told the only other thing I needed was her Certificate of Citizenship. So, with that in hand, I go back and what does the clerk say this time? "You need to have her Indiana birth certificate before we can process her social security number."
I blew a gasket at that point. Doesn't anybody in government know what the $&%@ they are doing anymore? No one understands the rules, and they certainly don't understand how long it takes to go through the process of getting the Indiana delayed birth certificate for a child adopted internationally. AAAAUUUUUGGGHH! We need to do our taxes.
Four and a half years ago, when we got Kenzie's SSN, this wasn't a big issue. They took what we had and got us her number.
The man to whom my WRATH was directed said he'd go talk to his supervisor. Which is exactly when Jia decided to break out with all holy hell...
She decided that it was time to touch everything she could, try to run off with stuff that she had no idea what she was taking, and throwing Kenzie's coat on the floor over and over and over again while Kenzie is telling her to stop.
I picked her up and sat her down, to which she SCREAMED and slid down off the chair. So I picked her up again and put her on the chair... over and over again until I finally picked up her feet and laid her down across the chairs so she couldn't slide off. She screamed bloody murder the whole time. I never raised my voice, and simply told her "Jia, you need to calm down. Calm down, Jia. You want down? (nodding with screaming) You need to calm down. Mommy needs to talk with you."
I finally leaned down to her ear and whispered "Do you want to get done here and go eat?" She stopped screaming and brought it down to a whimper. She then began to calm down. I again whispered to her, "You cannot throw Kenzie's or anybody else's coat on the floor. You must not touch anything here except the toys we brought in. You can play with either toy we have. Are you ready to get down now?"
Nodding... no screaming. No more whimpering. Quiet.
I stood up and helped her get her boots back on (she had kicked them off in the fit she had thrown. Then she got up and behaved a little better. All I was going for was some sense of control so she wouldn't tear up everything.
I don't know what people thought of me, Jia, or the whole scenario. I'm sure some were horrified at her behavior, and others horrified at mine. I kept expecting to see the police pull up and enter the building because someone complained that I was abusing her. The other half of me wanted to apologize to everyone for the whole scene. I'm pretty sure everyone was thinking "Glad it's HER and not ME!"
Whatever.
I keep wondering what the hell am I doing wrong? I wonder if the austerity of the office reminded her of the orphanage.... and she reverted to what may have been her typical behavior she had displayed when living in the orphanage. Out of control.
How do I help this child learn how to regulate her emotions and actions? I am so ill equipped in this area. Roy and I knew that we wouldn't get as lucky as we did with Kenzie... Kenzie is easy going, and easy to discipline. Jia - totally out of control. She just doesn't seem to "get it". I can't let her run around destroying everything in her sight with the idea that "she just doesn't understand." She is a really smart kid. Really smart. But she wants to do what she wants to do and she doesn't want anyone to tell her NO. We can see she has a good heart... she wants to be a good little sister, and she loves us and wants to help wherever she can. She will out of the blue hug us and say "I love you" and generally be affectionate. And we have our good times... teasing and laughing and tickling and the gentle touches (me to her, her to me). So it's not all bad.
But the short bouts in-between when she is out of control takes so much energy. And yesterday left my right hand with a pinched nerve or tendon - something got twisted and now all I have to do is move the wrong way and I'm in pain.
Anyone with any book suggestions that can help here - or any suggestions from the BTDT crowd - feel free to jump in and tell me what I'm doing wrong. I just don't know anymore. I always thought I was a decent mother... NOT perfect, NOT exceptional - just good enough that I could at least make sure the kids made it through the day without killing each other. And perhaps we'd have peace MOST of the day. I am hoping that yesterday was just one of those days and it doesn't happen again. But if it does.... I am begging for insight.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Merry Christmas!
I want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. It is truly a blessed time of the year - and we are so blessed to have our children to share this time with.
Children are God's greatest gift to all of us. Children stand for hope, love, joy, promise.... God knows that we needed this in our lives. For me, life means nothing if it doesn't have a purpose outside of one's own desires. And our children help keep us grounded in what is dear and sweet about life. Children keep things real, down to earth, and in the now.
After being parents, Roy and I look at each other and wonder how we survived together without our girls.
Children are God's greatest gift to all of us. Children stand for hope, love, joy, promise.... God knows that we needed this in our lives. For me, life means nothing if it doesn't have a purpose outside of one's own desires. And our children help keep us grounded in what is dear and sweet about life. Children keep things real, down to earth, and in the now.
After being parents, Roy and I look at each other and wonder how we survived together without our girls.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Isn't punishment supposed to hurt?
OK, so - this morning, I'm trying to dress Kenzie, and she's in her usual feisty mood wanting to play instead of getting ready for school.
She started jumping up and down on the bed. I said, "Kenzie, don't jump on the bed."
So, instead of jumping on the bed, she throws herself backwards on the bed. "Don't push it Kenzie - if you're not allowed to jump you're also not allowed to throw yourself backwards. It's almost the same and you're old enough to know that by now."
"Ok Mama." So what does she do? She simple throws her feet out from under herself and drops on the bed. Grinning from ear to ear and watching me carefully...
M: [taking a deeeeeep breath and staying calm and speaking slowly] "Kenzie, I told you not to jump on the bed and not to throw yourself on the bed. What you just did is pushing the envelope and comes close to throwing yourself on the bed. Since you like to push your luck, you won't get any TV tonight. That is your punishment for not taking me seriously."
K: "So when do I get TV back?"
M: "I just said that it was for tonight only. But, if you continue to disobey me when I say no to something, or you push the limits of what I am telling you not to do, then I'll take some other privilege away from you. Do you understand?"
K: Yes Mama. What's a privilege?"
M: "It's what Daddy and I allow you to do. Like watching TV, or playing with toys, or playing on the computer - things you like to do for fun but aren't necessary for your well-being."
K: "I know! I know what you can take away from me! First the TV, then the computer, then..."
M: "Kenzie, you don't get to make the decision as to what is taken away. Mommy and Daddy do. You are a child, and there are some things you just don't get to choose. Mommy and Daddy will make certain decisions about your life, and what discipline we use to correct your behavior is one of those decisions."
K: "OK, Mama. So, tonight I get no TV. And if I disobey you tomorrow morning?"
M: "Then I'll probably take away your playing with your toys."
K: " Yippeeeee!"
Yes, you read that right.... Yippeeeee!
M: (Laughing) "So you're happy I'll take away privileges?"
K: "Yes!"
M: "Just know that Mommy and Daddy love you and will use discipline to help you understand that you can't do whatever you want, so if you break the rules or disobey us, you will have privileges taken away. We don't want you to get older thinking you can break the law and thinking you can get away with it. You can end up in jail for doing something wrong. We want you to know that your decisions have consequences... sometimes they are good consequences, such as when you decide to eat an apple for a snack instead of potato chips. The good part is that you'll be healthier than the kids who only eat junk food. But if you make the choice to eat only junk foods, you can get fat and have lots of health problems. So, you need to make good choices for yourself."
K: "Ok Mama! And take away my privileges when I do wrong! Yippeeee!" Followed by lots of clapping and a big grin on her face...
That's not quite how it worked when I was a little girl. At least she's an enthusiastic participant.
She started jumping up and down on the bed. I said, "Kenzie, don't jump on the bed."
So, instead of jumping on the bed, she throws herself backwards on the bed. "Don't push it Kenzie - if you're not allowed to jump you're also not allowed to throw yourself backwards. It's almost the same and you're old enough to know that by now."
"Ok Mama." So what does she do? She simple throws her feet out from under herself and drops on the bed. Grinning from ear to ear and watching me carefully...
M: [taking a deeeeeep breath and staying calm and speaking slowly] "Kenzie, I told you not to jump on the bed and not to throw yourself on the bed. What you just did is pushing the envelope and comes close to throwing yourself on the bed. Since you like to push your luck, you won't get any TV tonight. That is your punishment for not taking me seriously."
K: "So when do I get TV back?"
M: "I just said that it was for tonight only. But, if you continue to disobey me when I say no to something, or you push the limits of what I am telling you not to do, then I'll take some other privilege away from you. Do you understand?"
K: Yes Mama. What's a privilege?"
M: "It's what Daddy and I allow you to do. Like watching TV, or playing with toys, or playing on the computer - things you like to do for fun but aren't necessary for your well-being."
K: "I know! I know what you can take away from me! First the TV, then the computer, then..."
M: "Kenzie, you don't get to make the decision as to what is taken away. Mommy and Daddy do. You are a child, and there are some things you just don't get to choose. Mommy and Daddy will make certain decisions about your life, and what discipline we use to correct your behavior is one of those decisions."
K: "OK, Mama. So, tonight I get no TV. And if I disobey you tomorrow morning?"
M: "Then I'll probably take away your playing with your toys."
K: " Yippeeeee!"
Yes, you read that right.... Yippeeeee!
M: (Laughing) "So you're happy I'll take away privileges?"
K: "Yes!"
M: "Just know that Mommy and Daddy love you and will use discipline to help you understand that you can't do whatever you want, so if you break the rules or disobey us, you will have privileges taken away. We don't want you to get older thinking you can break the law and thinking you can get away with it. You can end up in jail for doing something wrong. We want you to know that your decisions have consequences... sometimes they are good consequences, such as when you decide to eat an apple for a snack instead of potato chips. The good part is that you'll be healthier than the kids who only eat junk food. But if you make the choice to eat only junk foods, you can get fat and have lots of health problems. So, you need to make good choices for yourself."
K: "Ok Mama! And take away my privileges when I do wrong! Yippeeee!" Followed by lots of clapping and a big grin on her face...
That's not quite how it worked when I was a little girl. At least she's an enthusiastic participant.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
What great support...
I have to say that I am blown away by the support everyone has shown us. Thank you!
We got her medicals today and have forwarded everything to the IA doc. Now it is just a waiting game. I am not crazy about waiting... but I've waited so long - a couple more days won't hurt.
I don't know why, but I'm a lot calmer this time around than the last time. And I am once again planning everything in my head as to what we will be bringing and how I can approach her and make her feel more comfortable... what do I need to know or what words will I need to be able to speak to her in her own language to comfort her and communicate a little bit... or at least to understand what she is saying.
I need to find a good book on adopting older children from China - or older international children in general. Or find someplace where I can get expert advice from BTDT parents who adopted 4-6 y/0 kids and can help with suggestions. I just want to get it right so I'm not pulling my hair out or making things worse by doing something that will hurt the relationship from the start.
Counting my chickens before they've hatched here, so to speak. But I can't help myself. I want to be the mother to another little girl. And Kenzie wants a sister. OH, Please God, let this all come together.
Met Kenzie's Kindergarten teacher and she is very nice. I think Kenzie will love her. I leave in 3 minutes to take her to her school so she can see where she's going to go and to meet her teacher.
We got her medicals today and have forwarded everything to the IA doc. Now it is just a waiting game. I am not crazy about waiting... but I've waited so long - a couple more days won't hurt.
I don't know why, but I'm a lot calmer this time around than the last time. And I am once again planning everything in my head as to what we will be bringing and how I can approach her and make her feel more comfortable... what do I need to know or what words will I need to be able to speak to her in her own language to comfort her and communicate a little bit... or at least to understand what she is saying.
I need to find a good book on adopting older children from China - or older international children in general. Or find someplace where I can get expert advice from BTDT parents who adopted 4-6 y/0 kids and can help with suggestions. I just want to get it right so I'm not pulling my hair out or making things worse by doing something that will hurt the relationship from the start.
Counting my chickens before they've hatched here, so to speak. But I can't help myself. I want to be the mother to another little girl. And Kenzie wants a sister. OH, Please God, let this all come together.
Met Kenzie's Kindergarten teacher and she is very nice. I think Kenzie will love her. I leave in 3 minutes to take her to her school so she can see where she's going to go and to meet her teacher.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Nightmares
I have to say, I am the happiest mother in the world. However, being a mother has given me pause to wonder if I am going to keep my sanity...
Since adopting Kenzie, all I could think of at first was how lucky we were, how happy we were, what a wonderful child we had. Now, as our daughter grows up and begins to take her first tentative steps away from me as her main relationship and she starts forming other bonds and relationships... I am haunted by nightmares of what could happen if my attention is even for a moment occupied with anything other than her presence.
One recurring dream I have had lately is particularly disturbing, and I need to get it off my chest. I don't think it will lessen the panic I feel whenever I have the dream - but at least I am acknowledging my concerns.
The dream starts out in a place that is like the Ivy League halls of a large university. A long building with many classrooms and lecture rooms on both sides of a long, dark hallway, with heavily paneled walls of dark wood, large tall windows, and the golden color of aged plaster above the paneling. There are a huge number of Asian children with their parents (both adoptive and bio) at this event that is specifically for Asian children. I am standing with Kenzie in a line and she is all happy and jumping up and down because she is excited to be there. She is getting ready to play a game, and we are only 2 or 3 places away from when she will get her turn. I am then approached by someone in charge of the event because my help is needed in the next room... evidently I am helping to be a host to part of this event. I walk over to my husband who is chatting with another man, and tell him to watch Kenzie while I am gone for a few minutes. He says his usual "Yes, dear" and I walk away.
I go to another room and am only gone for a few minutes (it felt like it was supposed to be around 5-10 minutes from the dream) and when I return to the room where Kenzie is supposed to be, I can't find her. I go up to my husband and ask him where she is. He looks at me like I'm crazy, and says that he thought I was watching her and why wasn't I taking care of her. I start screaming her name, looking frantically for her and all the time cursing my husband for not listening to me or taking part in watching his daughter for a few minutes but instead trying to drum up business for himself at the expense of his daughter. I am just furious with him and in a panic that I can't find Kenzie. Worse, people begin to look at me like I'm an idiot.
I scream for all activities to stop and ask all the parents to help me find my daughter. We start going up and down the hall, going into rooms and yelling her name. Someone called the campus police and they go watch security video of the hallways - and they see her walking with a man into one of the rooms. We run down to the room and it is locked - and I am petrified of what I will find behind the door - I begin kicking the door to try and knock it down, and just as I open it and rush in, I wake in a panic with tears streaming down my face, because I just know she is either molested, tortured, or dead... and I blame myself - for not being her mother, for not keeping her with me, for allowing her to do something on her own because she wanted to stand in line and have her turn rather than start all over, for trusting my husband to take care of her when he was clearly pre-occupied, for not holding her close to me, for not loving her enough...
I feel lousy, horrified, and I can't go back to sleep. I just cry - sobbing as my tears soak my clothes and pillow, while I look at her sleeping next to me. And pray that I never have to feel that kind of panic for real. I pray to God that her innocence won't be shattered by any one harming her in ways children should never have to know. I want to protect her from so much, but I am afraid I will not be able to keep her safe from harm.
Perhaps these feelings are all perfectly natural. But this feeling of being inadequate as her mother keeps persisting. Please God, make me hyper-vigilant.
Since adopting Kenzie, all I could think of at first was how lucky we were, how happy we were, what a wonderful child we had. Now, as our daughter grows up and begins to take her first tentative steps away from me as her main relationship and she starts forming other bonds and relationships... I am haunted by nightmares of what could happen if my attention is even for a moment occupied with anything other than her presence.
One recurring dream I have had lately is particularly disturbing, and I need to get it off my chest. I don't think it will lessen the panic I feel whenever I have the dream - but at least I am acknowledging my concerns.
The dream starts out in a place that is like the Ivy League halls of a large university. A long building with many classrooms and lecture rooms on both sides of a long, dark hallway, with heavily paneled walls of dark wood, large tall windows, and the golden color of aged plaster above the paneling. There are a huge number of Asian children with their parents (both adoptive and bio) at this event that is specifically for Asian children. I am standing with Kenzie in a line and she is all happy and jumping up and down because she is excited to be there. She is getting ready to play a game, and we are only 2 or 3 places away from when she will get her turn. I am then approached by someone in charge of the event because my help is needed in the next room... evidently I am helping to be a host to part of this event. I walk over to my husband who is chatting with another man, and tell him to watch Kenzie while I am gone for a few minutes. He says his usual "Yes, dear" and I walk away.
I go to another room and am only gone for a few minutes (it felt like it was supposed to be around 5-10 minutes from the dream) and when I return to the room where Kenzie is supposed to be, I can't find her. I go up to my husband and ask him where she is. He looks at me like I'm crazy, and says that he thought I was watching her and why wasn't I taking care of her. I start screaming her name, looking frantically for her and all the time cursing my husband for not listening to me or taking part in watching his daughter for a few minutes but instead trying to drum up business for himself at the expense of his daughter. I am just furious with him and in a panic that I can't find Kenzie. Worse, people begin to look at me like I'm an idiot.
I scream for all activities to stop and ask all the parents to help me find my daughter. We start going up and down the hall, going into rooms and yelling her name. Someone called the campus police and they go watch security video of the hallways - and they see her walking with a man into one of the rooms. We run down to the room and it is locked - and I am petrified of what I will find behind the door - I begin kicking the door to try and knock it down, and just as I open it and rush in, I wake in a panic with tears streaming down my face, because I just know she is either molested, tortured, or dead... and I blame myself - for not being her mother, for not keeping her with me, for allowing her to do something on her own because she wanted to stand in line and have her turn rather than start all over, for trusting my husband to take care of her when he was clearly pre-occupied, for not holding her close to me, for not loving her enough...
I feel lousy, horrified, and I can't go back to sleep. I just cry - sobbing as my tears soak my clothes and pillow, while I look at her sleeping next to me. And pray that I never have to feel that kind of panic for real. I pray to God that her innocence won't be shattered by any one harming her in ways children should never have to know. I want to protect her from so much, but I am afraid I will not be able to keep her safe from harm.
Perhaps these feelings are all perfectly natural. But this feeling of being inadequate as her mother keeps persisting. Please God, make me hyper-vigilant.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
New Rules for China Adoption
I have a condensed version of the new rules for adoption from China. These rules are issued by the China Center of Adoption Affairs (CCAA). Many people wish to adopt, but many will not be able to when these new rules go into effect May 1, 2007. No more singles, the CCAA has become more strict about having age limits and length of marriage, a mandatory net worth requirement, stricter criminal history requirements, and specific health requirements. Had this been in place when we adopted Kenzie in 2004 - well, we wouldn't have been able to adopt at all because of my husband's age. We're still worried that it may not happen. We are capable (and healthy, financially secure, etc) of parenting another child. I hope the CCAA meant it when they said that those whose dossiers are in waiting are grandfathered.
According to the Chinese Adoption Law and current practice in China, in order to adopt from China:
* Both adopting parents must be at least 30 years of age and under 50 years of age.
* For Special Needs, both adopting parents must be between at least 30 years of age and under
55 years of age.
* Each parent must be at least a high school graduate.
* A stable marriage of at least two years should be evidenced. If either parent has been
divorced, you must be married for five years. You may have no more than two prior
marriages each.
* You must be financially stable, with an annual income that exceeds $10,000 per household
member (including the child you plan to adopt).
* You must have a net worth of over $80,000.
* Families with fewer than 5 children at home are permitted to adopt.
* Neither parent can have a criminal history with the exception of a DUI more than 10 years
ago.
* Both parents must be healthy, without evidence of any mental or physcial illness that will
affect their life span or ability to parent in any way, including conditions that require
permanent medical treatment or medication.
I have a list of things here that were previously posted on one of the Yahoo boards of illnesses that the CCAA considers disqualifying:
1. AIDS;
2. Mental handicap;
3. Infectious disease within infective stage;
4. Binocular blind or binocular parallax or monocular blind and with
no ocular prosthesis;
5. Binaural hearing loss or language function loss; adoption of
special needs children who have identical conditions will be exempt
from this limitation;
6. Afunction or dysfunction of limbs or trunk caused by impairment,
incompleteness, numbness or deformation; severe facial deformation;
7. Severe diseases which require long term treatment and which
affect life expectancy, like malignant tumor, lupus erythematosus,
nephrosis, epilepsy, and ect.;
8. Post-surgery of major organs transplantation, not yet 10 years;
9. Schizophrenia;
10. Medication for severe mental disorders, like depression, mania,
or anxiety neurosis and etc. stopped not more than 2 years;
* You must have a healthy Body Mass Index (BMI) of less than 40. You can go here to determine your BMI.
Just thought anyone wondering what it would take to adopt would appreciate knowing.
According to the Chinese Adoption Law and current practice in China, in order to adopt from China:
* Both adopting parents must be at least 30 years of age and under 50 years of age.
* For Special Needs, both adopting parents must be between at least 30 years of age and under
55 years of age.
* Each parent must be at least a high school graduate.
* A stable marriage of at least two years should be evidenced. If either parent has been
divorced, you must be married for five years. You may have no more than two prior
marriages each.
* You must be financially stable, with an annual income that exceeds $10,000 per household
member (including the child you plan to adopt).
* You must have a net worth of over $80,000.
* Families with fewer than 5 children at home are permitted to adopt.
* Neither parent can have a criminal history with the exception of a DUI more than 10 years
ago.
* Both parents must be healthy, without evidence of any mental or physcial illness that will
affect their life span or ability to parent in any way, including conditions that require
permanent medical treatment or medication.
I have a list of things here that were previously posted on one of the Yahoo boards of illnesses that the CCAA considers disqualifying:
1. AIDS;
2. Mental handicap;
3. Infectious disease within infective stage;
4. Binocular blind or binocular parallax or monocular blind and with
no ocular prosthesis;
5. Binaural hearing loss or language function loss; adoption of
special needs children who have identical conditions will be exempt
from this limitation;
6. Afunction or dysfunction of limbs or trunk caused by impairment,
incompleteness, numbness or deformation; severe facial deformation;
7. Severe diseases which require long term treatment and which
affect life expectancy, like malignant tumor, lupus erythematosus,
nephrosis, epilepsy, and ect.;
8. Post-surgery of major organs transplantation, not yet 10 years;
9. Schizophrenia;
10. Medication for severe mental disorders, like depression, mania,
or anxiety neurosis and etc. stopped not more than 2 years;
* You must have a healthy Body Mass Index (BMI) of less than 40. You can go here to determine your BMI.
Just thought anyone wondering what it would take to adopt would appreciate knowing.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
My 4 year old has some tough questions!
At what age do children begin to talk about death?
Lately, our daughter has been asking me questions that have taken me by surprise. Here is one conversation:
K: Mommy, I wanna ask you a question.
M: Ok, honey.
K: Mommy, are you going to die?
M: (while the shock is washing over me in waves) Yes, someday mommy will
die.
K: But Mommy, when are you going to die?
M: Well, no one ever really knows when they’ll die. If we did, we wouldn’t
live our lives with the joy and happiness we have.
K: But what happens when you die?
M: My body won’t work any more, but my soul will go to heaven and get to
see God.
K: What does God look like?
M: I don’t know – but I guess I’ll find out someday!
K: I think he has a beard, and long clothes, and hands, and hair…
M: I’m not sure he looks like a person. He may not look like anything that we
can really understand as we are right now.
K: Yeah. God didn’t die, but Jesus did.
M: Yes, that’s right.
K: But why did Jesus die?
M: The Bible teaches us he died to save us from our sins. Do you know what
sin is?
K: No.
M: It’s when we do things God doesn’t want us to do. We aren’t supposed to
lie – that means not telling the truth; we aren’t supposed to covet – that
means wanting things we don’t have; we aren’t supposed to steal – that
means take things that aren’t ours without permission. It also means we
worship God and not things… Like loving money or cars or toys more than
God.
K: Yeah!
M: Kenzie, I want you to understand that mommy and daddy are going to be
around for a long time. We’ll be here today, and in the future. We
probably aren’t going to die any time soon. In fact, we’ll probably be
around long enough to watch you grow up and become a young woman.
Then she went into talking about a Veggie Tales movie where Jr. Asparagus told a lie and the fib kept getting bigger and bigger… I guess unless you are a parent and watch Veggie Tales and can understand this story – it’s best just to say that Veggie Tales are cartoons that use imagery (the “fib” is from outer space – it’s name is Fib – which of course we as adults know that a fib is a lie – and the more Jr. lies, the bigger “Fib” gets. Jr. has to tell the truth for Fib to become small and insignificant).
Two nights later, we are in bed, and while daddy is getting ready (brushing teeth and washing his face/hands), Kenzie again starts asking questions about death.
K: Mommy…… When are you going to die?
M: Honey, I have no idea. I don’t dwell on that.
K: Mommy, when do you get up again after dying?
M: You don’t. Once you die, you don’t get up.
K: But when do you wake up?
M: You don’t wake up. It’s not like you go to sleep. You simply don’t know
anything anymore because your soul leaves your body.
K: Mommy, just before you die, I’m going to wake you up and make you walk
so you won’t die.
M: (smiling and laughing a little) I don’t think it quite works that way, but you
can try. Mommy would appreciate it.
K: What happens to me if both you and daddy die?
M: You would go to live with Mike and Cindy – remember them? They are the
parents of Emma and LiMei.
K: Yeah… OK. But what happens to me if you die?
M: If I die and daddy is still alive, you would stay with daddy.
K: (grinning) OK. (Pause) But what happens to me if daddy dies?
M: If daddy dies and I’m still alive, you would stay with me. If we are both
dead, you would live with Mike and Cindy.
K: Ok, that’s good. But mommy, when is the future?
M: The future is… “not now”. It could be 10 days from now or 10 years from
now or 100 years from now. It is what will happen next – but hasn’t
happened yet.
K: Yeah, but when is the future?
OK, that is a difficult concept to explain… I’m willing to take suggestions from anyone out there who can help.
Then I kept trying to tell her that her daddy and I would be around for a very long time. (My husband had to interject that we’d probably be around for longer than she’d care for us to be – that was supposed to be his attempt at humor, but it was a bit lost on a 4 year old…)
I can’t help but think how precious our daughter is. She is asking questions that I thought originally must have been because of some discussion at her [Christian] daycare… but found out that no one I talked with had said anything about death. However, a couple of the children have had relatives die… so perhaps she is trying to process that. I didn’t really expect questions about death until she was a little bit older. I feel a bit like that commercial “Life comes at you fast…”
Lately, our daughter has been asking me questions that have taken me by surprise. Here is one conversation:
K: Mommy, I wanna ask you a question.
M: Ok, honey.
K: Mommy, are you going to die?
M: (while the shock is washing over me in waves) Yes, someday mommy will
die.
K: But Mommy, when are you going to die?
M: Well, no one ever really knows when they’ll die. If we did, we wouldn’t
live our lives with the joy and happiness we have.
K: But what happens when you die?
M: My body won’t work any more, but my soul will go to heaven and get to
see God.
K: What does God look like?
M: I don’t know – but I guess I’ll find out someday!
K: I think he has a beard, and long clothes, and hands, and hair…
M: I’m not sure he looks like a person. He may not look like anything that we
can really understand as we are right now.
K: Yeah. God didn’t die, but Jesus did.
M: Yes, that’s right.
K: But why did Jesus die?
M: The Bible teaches us he died to save us from our sins. Do you know what
sin is?
K: No.
M: It’s when we do things God doesn’t want us to do. We aren’t supposed to
lie – that means not telling the truth; we aren’t supposed to covet – that
means wanting things we don’t have; we aren’t supposed to steal – that
means take things that aren’t ours without permission. It also means we
worship God and not things… Like loving money or cars or toys more than
God.
K: Yeah!
M: Kenzie, I want you to understand that mommy and daddy are going to be
around for a long time. We’ll be here today, and in the future. We
probably aren’t going to die any time soon. In fact, we’ll probably be
around long enough to watch you grow up and become a young woman.
Then she went into talking about a Veggie Tales movie where Jr. Asparagus told a lie and the fib kept getting bigger and bigger… I guess unless you are a parent and watch Veggie Tales and can understand this story – it’s best just to say that Veggie Tales are cartoons that use imagery (the “fib” is from outer space – it’s name is Fib – which of course we as adults know that a fib is a lie – and the more Jr. lies, the bigger “Fib” gets. Jr. has to tell the truth for Fib to become small and insignificant).
Two nights later, we are in bed, and while daddy is getting ready (brushing teeth and washing his face/hands), Kenzie again starts asking questions about death.
K: Mommy…… When are you going to die?
M: Honey, I have no idea. I don’t dwell on that.
K: Mommy, when do you get up again after dying?
M: You don’t. Once you die, you don’t get up.
K: But when do you wake up?
M: You don’t wake up. It’s not like you go to sleep. You simply don’t know
anything anymore because your soul leaves your body.
K: Mommy, just before you die, I’m going to wake you up and make you walk
so you won’t die.
M: (smiling and laughing a little) I don’t think it quite works that way, but you
can try. Mommy would appreciate it.
K: What happens to me if both you and daddy die?
M: You would go to live with Mike and Cindy – remember them? They are the
parents of Emma and LiMei.
K: Yeah… OK. But what happens to me if you die?
M: If I die and daddy is still alive, you would stay with daddy.
K: (grinning) OK. (Pause) But what happens to me if daddy dies?
M: If daddy dies and I’m still alive, you would stay with me. If we are both
dead, you would live with Mike and Cindy.
K: Ok, that’s good. But mommy, when is the future?
M: The future is… “not now”. It could be 10 days from now or 10 years from
now or 100 years from now. It is what will happen next – but hasn’t
happened yet.
K: Yeah, but when is the future?
OK, that is a difficult concept to explain… I’m willing to take suggestions from anyone out there who can help.
Then I kept trying to tell her that her daddy and I would be around for a very long time. (My husband had to interject that we’d probably be around for longer than she’d care for us to be – that was supposed to be his attempt at humor, but it was a bit lost on a 4 year old…)
I can’t help but think how precious our daughter is. She is asking questions that I thought originally must have been because of some discussion at her [Christian] daycare… but found out that no one I talked with had said anything about death. However, a couple of the children have had relatives die… so perhaps she is trying to process that. I didn’t really expect questions about death until she was a little bit older. I feel a bit like that commercial “Life comes at you fast…”
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