Conflicted

We're a bit scared about this adoption. It appears that children in the north of China are almost always abandoned because of some SN - not like children in the south. We have found someone who worked for an organization that did some work for the orphanage where our daughter is "from" (I use parenthesis because she's actually in foster care in a different part of the municipality, separate from the city proper). He says that it is very likely that something was wrong with the child, or else she wouldn't have been abandoned. He said one of the diagnoses she was given is a basic catch-all diagnosis because, if there is nothing they can find physically wrong, then the doctor's general attitude is that it must be this one diagnosis, because "what else could it be?"

She's lost valuable time in helping her brain make the all-so-important neural connections she needed to have in order to give her a leg up on her learning abilities. We don’t know that this kind of neglect – no matter how minor – can be made up once the child is past 3 years old.

You know, this would be so different if we had a child that had a repaired physical SN referred to us - something you could see and verify physically. But with anything that has to do with the brain - it's something you can't repair or quantify. So we are left wondering what is going on...

I'm probably not going to blog any more about this referral. I know that people are going to think we are heartless if there is something that will prevent us from taking her. But we are not angels, saints, do-gooders or heroes. We are human and we have our limitations. We know it and are willing to admit to that. For those who don't understand it, or for those people who have taken on SN children and think that anyone who doesn't do so is somehow "less than", for anyone who buys into the “this is our child no matter what” frame of mind, I just don't understand it when they want to force those attitudes on others who realize they are not capable of taking on certain special needs.

I'm not a martyr. I would physically place myself between my daughter and harm - that is what a mother would/should do to protect her children. I’m sure that a lot of what I’m saying will place me in the “she’s so shallow” category of mothers. It’s a sure thing I’ll never get nominated for “Mother of the Year.”

I seem to remember that the CCAA once put up a down’s syndrome child as a trial to see if anyone would adopt him. If I remember right, I don’t think anyone did. That says volumes about the true nature of what people are willing to take on when it comes to special needs. Am I really so shallow after all?

OK, maybe she's not mentally impaired – perhaps there was no special need at all. Maybe she was misdiagnosed. Perhaps she was abandoned for reasons other than something about her birth was considered a problem for the baby. Perhaps the doctor in attendance during her birth misdiagnosed her as having an issue, when in truth, there was no problem at all.

I am hoping God strikes me with a lightening bolt and makes it plain as day that we are supposed to parent this child.

I talk big about trusting God - well... I need to put my actions where my mouth is. There is a part of me that is pulled to this child... but is that God working in my heart, or selfish desires that have me wanting so badly for this child to be “fine”.

I am torn and conflicted. And there are days when I think I must be the biggest, most selfish bitch in the world.