What a great day!

First, I want to say congratulations to John and Lisa for their new referral! Their long- awaited referral for their daughter Lucy came today - and it looks like Anna is going to be a big sis after all!

Lucy is just precious! You can see Lisa's blog HERE.

Next, Jia got her first dental exam. When Kenzie went, all she wanted to do was sit in that chair and have the dentist examine her teeth. We made her appointment for today, but had to try to find a way to explain to her that we weren't going to have the dentist look at her teeth right away. We got a calendar later that day, and told her it was hers. I circled the date that Kenzie had had her appointment on, then the date she would be having her dental appointment on. I showed her how many days had to pass before she got her appointment.

That didn't quite work... so I explained how many nights we had to go to sleep before we woke up and went to the dentist. That did the trick. She could recite "Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep .... DENTIST!" We left one "go to sleep" off every day, until by the 3rd day before the appointment, she could figure it out for herself. She did a great job. They tried to do an xray of her full mouth, but she is so short that they couldn't get a good xray. What they saw was that there appeared to be four teeth buds missing for her permanent teeth. For what her age is supposed to be, they should be developed by now. In 6 months when we return, we'll have them do this again to see if they can make some determination of her actual age - if she really is five, or is she younger.


Then (for a treat) I took them to a local park. The weather was very warm today for the time of year. Normally, we'd see temps in the 30's to 20's... but today must have been about 50 degrees. The kids were incredibly excited to be able to play outside. I found out Jia can swing herself once she gets going. But for a kid that seems to be unafraid of a lot of things, she was petrified of some big stepping stones that were on the playground. This is where Kenzie became Super Sister to the rescue! She helped Jia walking across the stones... I wouldn't exactly say Jia overcame the fear, but she was more assured as Kenzie held her hand and helped her go from stone to stone. And the kids were loving the outdoors. I can't wait for spring and nice weather. I want them to get out every nice day we can. Here are pics from the day.

The CCAA SURPRISES US!

Well, I wasn't expecting it, but we got another referral today. It is for a 4.5 y/o girl from Heilongjiang province - waaaaaaaaaay up north between Inner Mongolia and Russia.

I am waiting for her medical and developmental info - and praying HARD there isn't anything in there to be a red flag. She has big brown eyes and a lot of hair (even if it is cut short). Roy and I are excited, and we are very happy. I'm glad that she is an older child. It certainly won't make it easier to communicate with her, but she and Kenzie will be able to play together. Being older, I'm sure she'll be able to learn English fairly quickly. I'm hoping that the age difference (only 1.25 years) won't be too close together... but we'll see. A lot will depend on our new daughter's temperament.

When I can post more, I will. I am not going to post any photos until I know more about her medicals and get the report from our IA docs.

Wish us luck, please. I won't be able to sleep until we know.

Once again, something is in the air...

Rumor Queen has reported something in the air. I'm too scared to think that perhaps we'll get a second referral.

My mind is a blank right now. Kenzie starts Kindergarten next Wednesday, as well as her next year of tap dance & gymnastics. I wonder if she'll ever get the gymnastics at all. Well, I'm not really into pushing that stuff. But I'm hoping when she is watching the Olympics, she'll get to see the young ladies doing the gymnastics and be able to see where what she is doing is what they started out doing as well. Maybe it will motivate her to try harder. As it is, she really only half-way does things at this moment.

We have an orientation for parents on Tuesday morning at Kenzie's school she will be attending. I think they also said that Kenzie will have an orientation that afternoon. We still haven't received any information from the school yet, and they were supposed to get a letter out so the parents would receive it this week. I'm not thinking very much about this administration if this is how they run things.. and the school she is going to is supposed to be highly accredited with all kinds of awards. Yeah. Right.

Sorry for the cynicism. OH who am I kidding... I'm not sorry. I'm just getting to be a cynical old biddy in my elderly years.

Domestic vs International Adoption: The debate rages on

There is a huge issue on Rumor Queen over which is better – waiting to adopt from China or adopting from the foster-to-adopt program in the U.S. There is the question out there - why do we have such a love affair with adopting from China as opposed to adopting from our own nation? Perhaps, because adoption from the U.S. foster program isn't as simple as people think it is.

I have some friends who, over 4 years ago, took in two children (same mom, different daddies) and are STILL trying to adopt them. They have done this 3 times prior, and each time they have done this, it has taken them about 3-4 years per child - the last two are difficult because, although the mother was forced by the courts to sign away her parental rights, she is not divulging who the fathers are. Now the parents have to go through a long, drawn out process to try and find them. Eventually, the courts will probably terminate the fathers' rights (because no one has stepped forward to claim paternity) and then they'll be able to proceed with the adoptions.

One thing that I think universally appeals to most parents with China adoption is that you know pretty much what to expect, and once you adopted, you wouldn't one year later have a bio parent or court demanding you return the child back to the parents in China. It sounds harsh, but that is very appealing to people who want to parent a child and don't want to have a disruption of that adoption by outside sources. (When I say "outside source", I am referring to other than the nuclear family established through the adoption process. I do NOT intend to imply that the bio parents of child(ren) in question are somehow not important.) I wish we could have access to the Chinese parents' information - I do believe that our Chinese daughters deserve that at the very least. And if things were different in China (no one child policy, better economic conditions) we wouldn't even be having this debate about IA adoption. There would be no need for international adoption from China.

Back to domestic adoption:

I have heard horror stories from social workers about how long the process takes, and then years later, the child is taken from the foster parents and given to the bio mom. Or the children are bounced back and forth from bio parents to foster parents because the bio parents can't keep their noses clean, so to speak.

Why is the foster-to-adopt system so much better than waiting for a referral from China? I know it works out once in a while - but from what I have heard firsthand and witnessed from others, the process is probably more stressful than people can envision. It's rare that parents' rights are terminated quickly so the foster parents can move on with the adoption process... The wait IS hard for a referral from China. And there are no guarantees in any adoption program. Anyone who thinks there are – well, I hate to break it to you, sweet cheeks, but you’re living in LaLa land.

If some social worker is telling you that it won’t take that long to adopt through the foster-to-adopt system – S/he is lying. Wait and see. Perhaps it’s because someone is willing believe anything they are told, or they are hopeful that that is the case, rather than take the time to do their homework and understand the reality of the situation.

I think America has their foster to adopt program all screwed up - just my observation from what I've seen. If we are truly concerned about what's best for the children in this country, then we wouldn't be bouncing kids in and out of foster care or "the system" and back to bio parents who are not capable of raising the children or of staying out of trouble. I think it’s safe to say that certain types of legal problems with parents would – no, SHOULD – exclude them automatically from ever getting their children back. That would put the kids in a safer, more loving environment from day one. And I would not have a foster program unless the people are in it to ADOPT the children. Fostering kids sometimes brings in people who are only in it for the monthly stipend – and damn the kids’ welfare.

I know we all have differing opinions about what type of adoption is best. But to be honest, none of them are perfect solutions to the problem of finding good parents for needy children. And when I read posts on Yahoo groups or on the Rumor Queen site, it sounds like many of us are feeling like WE are the needy ones. Think how much more needy the children are when they don't have parents, or they have bad parents.

******** ON ANOTHER NOTE:

For those who feel their agencies are misleading them... perhaps you may want to go back over what has been said, what was in your contract, and review their website. It could be the communication problem isn't with the agency, but in what you are thinking in your own head as to what the process will be. The agency may have said they are hopeful the process will speed up - which in my opinion is still in bad form - but you instead "heard" that it WILL speed up. I am glad we have our agency - they have never lied about anything - on their site, they said that they fully expect the time from LID to referral to continue to increase and ask that families be prepared for such.

During our wait, I pretty much stayed away from Rumor Queen because watching how many days that were referred was incredibly painful to see. Only when it appeared that we were getting close did I dare come back to Rumor Queen’s site. Otherwise, her site was depressing for me. I did what I had to in order to get through the wait.

Unfortunately, with China's new category of "SN but healthy" - they are going to have a problem selling that one to some people depending on the SN presented. Although some children may appear healthy, they may have a SN that wasn't listed on their medicals, or at their finding, or isn't known by the orphanage, and would present a major problem for parents not approved for SN. That's what we ran into... and if the CCAA had been able to give us two months to obtain and review reports, we would have been able to try and eliminate the one issue we could not accept because of the lifelong chronic health issues the one possible SN presented. Without more time - we had to turn her down.

I feel lousy, but that may have been a blessing for the child. I hope that she can be properly diagnosed and put up for adoption again. Two of the three possibilities would have been okay with us, the last one was going to put her in a category of needing major medical care that we would not be able to help with. We’re asking for another referral, but we’re not hopeful about it. I really don’t expect we’ll be getting another. We are good parents. But that doesn’t guarantee us anything.

NOTHING in IA is for sure. NOTHING. I read the bitterness in some posts (Rumor Queen) that China’s system is corrupt. I suppose that if the system in China is broken, then we shouldn't try to give these children homes. Let's just leave 'em where they are. That'll teach China to be corrupt. Yeah, we’ll show ‘em.

Honestly, how does that solve the problem? I consider it a hell for the children who have to stay in an orphanage.

I applaud the CCAA and China for increasing the number of domestic adoptions. These children are living in a nation where they represent the majority in their country. When adopted by Caucasians, and outside of their culture, we (whites) are the majority in this country, but our adopted children will be in the minority. And unless you have some training, we’re ill-prepared to help them fight the racism they will be facing. I would hope that it won’t happen – but racism is alive and well all over the globe – so America is no exception.

OH hell, we signed up for our second adoption when the wait time was 6 months. Then, by the time we were LID, it was 8-9 months. And month by month, we watched as it went longer and longer and longer - and we knew right then and there, that we were in for the wait of a lifetime.

If your agency is telling you there are increasing wait times, they are not lying to you. You signed up for the adoption process - no one held a gun to your head. YOU made the decision. And now you want to blame someone else for your lack of common sense that the term "increasing wait times" means you're not going to get the child in 1 year or less.

Give me a break.

Whatever path one chooses to go when it comes to adoption - I am 100% behind you. I believe that adoption is one of the best and most loving ways to create a family. I don't care so much about where or when one adopts - as long as it is legal and ethical. And it takes a great deal of maturity to handle it.

I am not behind anyone who chooses a path and then starts down this "poor little me I'm not getting what I want fast enough" road. That sounds like a spoiled brat - and IMO - that kind of person isn't going to be a very good parent, because everything is couched in terms of what they want and not what is right for the child. And the kvetching about how everything outside of yourself is causing you pain or how all these other issues are the reason you feel bitter is nothing more than a veiled temper tantrum - think of a five year old and how, when she gets mad and things don't go her way, she jumps up and down and cries and shouts to try to change the situation, when, if you're a good mommy, you don't back down when this starts... (I have experienced that.... yes, even Kenzie has her moments...)

Enough of the ramblings.

Thankful...

I want to thank everyone who has been so supportive. You have made this time less stressful...

I NEVER thought I'd ever turn down a referral. NEVER! I always believed that the child we were referred would be the one we were supposed to have. And then to have a twist thrown into the whole deal was a stunning turn of events.

Some have said perhaps we were brought into this child's life to get her properly designated as SN so she could be with the right family. That may be. But I would hope that the child would be re-matched quickly with a family who is approved for SN and can handle her issues. Perhaps its to bring to light the complexity of the "SN but healthy" designation and the problems it presents.

I think the CCAA has a huge problem with their new designation of "SN but Healthy". Either the interpretation is too vague, or the orphanages don't quite have enough understanding of the implications of certain physical symptoms to know that, just because it doesn't look like a child has 'XYZ' condition, that doesn't mean it isn't something else. And until the other stuff is ruled out, it's hard to say that the child is "healthy".

Well, that's my 2 jiao worth.


But thanks to all who have supported our decision. We are still feeling rather bad - it's hard to know that our decision will affect a little girl whom we don't know. I hope it will change her life for the better, and not for the worse.

A decision made

After talking with the IA doc and another doctor who is a friend, we all agree that this child is truly a special needs child. What her special need is, we are not quite sure. The orphanage did have an MRI of her done, but they sent us files that were illegible for the radiologist to read.

At first when I saw the videos of her, I was struck by how adorable she was, her laughter and impish sense of humor. But when I was able to settle down and really look at the videos, I saw a child with some kind of problem (I won't go into what I saw specifically, but it was obvious to a mother who knows how a 3.5 y/o is supposed to be at that age). And my very suspicions were confirmed by the IA doc and the other doctor who ran some of the info I sent him by his colleagues.


She is special needs. She has a family out there somewhere, it just isn't us. She needs to be represented properly by the CCAA, and the right family will take her file and be so happy they did. I pray that she'll be able to find her forever family - and I'm sure that whoever takes her will be happy with her... she's a very happy little girl. But for us, we couldn't accept her because there is a problem that would be obvious the minute we went into the medical exam.

We'll ask our agency what our options are. We think we should be able to ask for another child... and we'd be happy to take an older child of up to 4 years old.


At this point, I feel both relief and closure. There were too many questions, and the orphanage did some things for us, but then didn't follow through with executing some requests and giving us the kind of files that would give us complete information on the child. I could list all the things wrong with this referral, but I won't dwell on it anymore.

Forgive me if I sound a bit cold - I don't mean to. We've had this hanging over our heads for a month now, and I feel I can finally exhale and relax. I'm not sweating whether we get another referral, but at least this one is decided.

Conflicted

We're a bit scared about this adoption. It appears that children in the north of China are almost always abandoned because of some SN - not like children in the south. We have found someone who worked for an organization that did some work for the orphanage where our daughter is "from" (I use parenthesis because she's actually in foster care in a different part of the municipality, separate from the city proper). He says that it is very likely that something was wrong with the child, or else she wouldn't have been abandoned. He said one of the diagnoses she was given is a basic catch-all diagnosis because, if there is nothing they can find physically wrong, then the doctor's general attitude is that it must be this one diagnosis, because "what else could it be?"

She's lost valuable time in helping her brain make the all-so-important neural connections she needed to have in order to give her a leg up on her learning abilities. We don’t know that this kind of neglect – no matter how minor – can be made up once the child is past 3 years old.

You know, this would be so different if we had a child that had a repaired physical SN referred to us - something you could see and verify physically. But with anything that has to do with the brain - it's something you can't repair or quantify. So we are left wondering what is going on...

I'm probably not going to blog any more about this referral. I know that people are going to think we are heartless if there is something that will prevent us from taking her. But we are not angels, saints, do-gooders or heroes. We are human and we have our limitations. We know it and are willing to admit to that. For those who don't understand it, or for those people who have taken on SN children and think that anyone who doesn't do so is somehow "less than", for anyone who buys into the “this is our child no matter what” frame of mind, I just don't understand it when they want to force those attitudes on others who realize they are not capable of taking on certain special needs.

I'm not a martyr. I would physically place myself between my daughter and harm - that is what a mother would/should do to protect her children. I’m sure that a lot of what I’m saying will place me in the “she’s so shallow” category of mothers. It’s a sure thing I’ll never get nominated for “Mother of the Year.”

I seem to remember that the CCAA once put up a down’s syndrome child as a trial to see if anyone would adopt him. If I remember right, I don’t think anyone did. That says volumes about the true nature of what people are willing to take on when it comes to special needs. Am I really so shallow after all?

OK, maybe she's not mentally impaired – perhaps there was no special need at all. Maybe she was misdiagnosed. Perhaps she was abandoned for reasons other than something about her birth was considered a problem for the baby. Perhaps the doctor in attendance during her birth misdiagnosed her as having an issue, when in truth, there was no problem at all.

I am hoping God strikes me with a lightening bolt and makes it plain as day that we are supposed to parent this child.

I talk big about trusting God - well... I need to put my actions where my mouth is. There is a part of me that is pulled to this child... but is that God working in my heart, or selfish desires that have me wanting so badly for this child to be “fine”.

I am torn and conflicted. And there are days when I think I must be the biggest, most selfish bitch in the world.

The wait...

(Sigh) Agony.

I hate waiting.

I am torn between trying to be patient and
screaming my fool head off because nothing is happening on this end of the adoption process.

I keep going over the Serenity Prayer in my head... you know, the one that alcoholic's say at the end of their meetings?

God,

Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
The courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen and Amen!

I need to get that serenity thing going for me.

Some encouraging news...

This morning, we received xrays taken last year of her chest and upper abdomen area. They do not show any curvature of the spine. The IA doctor that called us today said she wanted some different pics and more info on her, but said overall her physical and developmental information looked very good.

It's kind of what we were thinking - but not being doctors, we want to be sure we have enough information to know what we may be getting into.

With Kenzie, she had some issues not in her write up - and some health problems that either were ignored or not known at the time we adopted... but we wouldn't have traded her for a billion dollars. I am hoping and praying this is the same case.

We have asked for some more info, and hope that in a day or two we can get everything we need to go ahead with this, which is the way we are leaning at the moment.

I am taking this one step at a time...

First, thanks to everyone for their support. However, I want to make one thing clear. I'm not angry - at least not at the CCAA or the orphanage or our agency - nothing like that.

I'll relate a story about Kenzie that will help put into perspective our experience and our reasons for taking this one step at a time and to evaluate all sides of the issue (not just a doctor's point of view).

When we got Kenzie's referral, we were so excited - she was the most adorable, sweet-looking child I had ever laid eyes on. We sent off her referral info and pictures to an international adoption clinic to have them review it.

When I got the call from one of the doctors who had reviewed her file, she said that there was a moderate chance that our daughter could be neurologically damaged (which, by the way folks, covers a huge area of issues, from possibly having trouble walking or speaking to being mentally retarded). I was devastated... I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I just didn't see it in the pics, but the doctor ticked off one reason after another why she had come to this conclusion.

I sent the referral info off to yet another doctor known in international adoption circles. In the meantime, someone I had met by chance over the internet, who just happened to be adopting from the same orphanage, said he would try to see her and take some pics or video if possible to help me out.

Well, HIS pictures and video showed a completely normal child - and there were none of the issues the original IA doctor talked about. The second IA doctor soon called me and went over the child's info with me, but told me not to worry too much - that sometimes the doctors are in a hurry and/or don't do the developmental testing very thoroughly or didn't read the medical test correctly or the tests were faulty... that anything could be possible. She told us that if we were to go to China, we could assess the child's abilities while we were there, and she gave us things to look for. And she was very positive in her outlook - that most of these children are just fine, or recover from any problems they have with gross or fine motor skills fairly quickly, once they are in a loving family who will give them the attention, love, and nutrition they need.

Well, long story short, we went. We saw that she was not only fine - she was very intelligent, had a great sense of humor (even for an 18 month old) and only had some gross motor skill issues that were easily correctable.

So I guess the moral to the story is, be cautious, get lots of opinions, and understand that there is incompetence in the medical field no matter what country you live in. And there are times when issues might be over-exaggerated or mistaken as something which it is not.

We will do our due diligence, and try to come to a conclusion based on what may be faulty information, or information that may have been faulty to begin with at her finding.

The thing that strikes me the most is that the first time my husband came to me and told me he wanted to adopt again, it was around Thanksgiving, 2004, and this child was born in November 2004 (right around Thanksgiving!). Her finding date was listed as Dec 6, 2004. Dec 6 was my father's birth date. Signs from heaven?

We shall try to be reasonable with our requests to assess this child's condition. But to be honest, I think that we most likely will need to go and see her - and ultimately, this may be the only way we will know for sure if there is something we need to be concerned with. In the meantime, we will weigh the reviews and advice from the doctors.

I can't help but feel so much for this child. And to put my heart on hold is something I am having a hard time with.

Referral dilemma

Ok, we got our call on June 9, 2008. At first we were giddy and high and so excited.

Then today, the coordinator had translated referral info that was not so giddy. So - I am not going to post anything here right now on our referral until we can sort out what is going on and can make a decision. I absolutely hate this. Here I was excited and happy - ready to adopt an older child that I felt would probably be just the right age for our family, falling in love with her face - and then I find out there may be issues that we could be totally unprepared for and/or unable to handle on either a short or long-term basis. We are consulting three doctors, one of which was able to respond immediately, one who will respond later this week and another that will respond next week sometime. There is missing information, incomplete information, and confusing information in her referral, and it appears she may have been listed as a special needs child at one time, and now they are saying she's not special needs. We asked for a healthy child. The question is: what is the CCAA's definition of healthy?

My only concern at this moment is that we get the information we need to make an informed decision. This little girl deserves a family - but if we are not able to take her due to our home situation and other factors because of a SN issue she has (if in fact she has one) - if we are not the family that would be able to help her - then accepting a referral would not be fair to her, to Kenzie, or to our family as a whole.

I am hoping that we are going to all have a happy ending with this. And it may just come down to a leap of faith...

I'm doing a lot of praying on this one. But overall, I think this just sucks. And I feel like I'm the bad guy here. Crap.