Thursday, November 13, 2008

Our first bout of greiving

Today, we went to the Aquarium to see the fish and then to a really nice restaurant. Roy and Deb decided to walk down China Street (a big shopping area) and then take a taxi home. Jia had fallen asleep in the van, and it was snowing (small, wet snow) so I decided it would be best to just have the kids go back to the hotel.

Once back, we woke Jia and Lynn went upstairs with us. I asked her to explain to Jia what was going to happen tomorrow so she would have time to digest it. Lynn told her we would fly to Guangzhou and then on to America to her home with her baba, mama, and jie jie. She asked if she understood and she nodded yes.

At some point, Jia was looking at me with tears in her eyes. Lynn asked her what was wrong, and she said she wanted a tea drink I had taken from her... found out it wasn't just strong tea but rather a tea drink - not heavy on the caffeine. So I got her a small bottle we had left over and poured some into it and then had Lynn tell her we would save the rest of the drink for her for later.

Lynn watched our adoption video of Kenzie, and then got a call from the notary so she had to leave. She said goodbye to Jia and told her she'd see her tomorrow. When I turned around and went to sit down on the bed, I noticed Jia had huge tears in her eyes. She looked at me like she had lost her way, lost her everything, and was scared. She began to cry quietly... literally choking back her sobs and trying not to cry out loud. I opened my arms to her and said "Dou Mama zhi lai." (Come to mama.) At first she shook her head no... then came to me and put her back to me and raised her arms for me to pick her up.

I put her on my lap, and began to stroke her hair and cheek as she cried and tried to keep from crying loudly. I told her "Wo zhi de. Wo ai ni." She would turn to look at me as if to say, "How could you do this to me? What will happen to me now?" I ached for her so much... feeling her little body shake with each sob and hearing her whimper and then choke down each sob while wiping away her tears with a tissue. I cried, too, and she watched as Kenzie took a tissue and wiped away my tears - and then I would take a tissue and wipe Jia's tears for her. hb` Her heart was breaking... I wanted so much to reassure her that all would be okay.

She allowed me to hold her and rock her, and then to hold her like a baby for awhile. Then she wanted to get down. I asked if she wanted tv, she shook her head no. Then I asked if she wanted to watch the computer, and she shook her head yes. I showed her more video of Kenzie - videos with music. Her attitude changed a little.

Then she had to go pee (niao), and when we got back, we got out some snacks. She began to be her old self again. She began to ask questions about baba - and I figured she was asking where he was. But she was laughing as we teased and played with each other. She got past it... and it was as if she began to accept it a little. I have a feeling that she will have another little bout with the tears when we say goodbye to Lynn.

Lynn has been a wonderful, sweet young woman. I don't know what we would have done without her help with both Kenzie and Jia. I know Jia won't be the only one to miss her.

Here are some pics from today - before she was told what her fate was to be.


Lisa said...

Heartbreaking, Julie. The power of pictures and music is amazing, isn't it? God bless you guys!

Gail said...

Oh Julie,
My heart aches with this post.
Sweet Jia. These children have gone through so much.
She is very brave.

It is wonderful that she is letting you hold her and rock her. She is feeling secure in your arms.

Kenzie is a love to wipe away your tears.

Now I have to wipe away mine until your next post!

LifeWithTheFerrells said...

Julie, she is just beautiful!! I hope she continues to grieve and allows you to comfort her. How wonderful that she let you comfort her.

sarah said...

Julie!!! Wow, I'm just getting 'caught up' here! This post made tears in my eyes! Sweet baby girl!

Jia is so precious / beautiful! I love, love all your photos! What an incredible family you have!!

Super Mommy said...

Bless her little heart - there are big changes coming her way. I am sure she will adjust just fine - you're a great mama Julie! It's good she is greiving, really it is. I can't image what she must be feeling with her little 4 years of life experience, but I know she will be happy with you all soon enough! Hang in there, still praying!!

Gina (Caleeo) said...

My heart aches for you and your little girl.

Kim said...

Oh how my heart hurt when I read your post! My Ellye grieved for the whole 3 weeks were in China. It is so hard on a momma's heart! Jia senses and she knows that you love her! And it sounds as if she is accepting it in her own time! So much to process in such a short time. I will be praying that God will give her peace about the whole situation! Kenzie is such a sweetie and Jia is going to look up to her so much! Give them both big hugs! It won't be long and you will be home!!!!!! Yippee!!
Kim Schrink