Chicago!!!!

We travel once a year to Chicago to visit with Grandma Geri. Now, we have been doing this for the last 3 years with Kenzie (we felt she was a bit young the first year she was home, so we didn't go then). We always marveled at what a great traveler Kenzie was, and how she entertained herself and didn't complain and oh my! Weren't we the luckiest parents!!!



Well, that all changed this year. We weren't even 15 minutes outside of Bloomington and we heard "Are we to Chicago yet?"

It was about every 10-25 minutes she would ask the same things.

"Are we to Chicago yet?"

"When are we going to be in Chicago?"

"Are we there yet?"

"How much longer before we're in Chicago?"

"Are we in Chicago yet?"

And on and on and on. By the time we got north of Lafayette, I started answering "YES! We're in Chicago, Honey!!!"

She would look around and say, "I don't see any tall buildings..."

And I would say, "Well, then... do you think we're in Chicago yet?"

"No. We're not in Chicago yet."

"OK - then you know we aren't in Chicago without having to ask. When you see big buildings, you'll know we are in Chicago."

"Sooooo... when are we going to be in Chicago?" (Want a little cheese with that whine, sweetie? And the trip lasted about 6 1/2 hours. Uuuugggghhhh...... )




When we finally made it to Chicago, we went to our favorite evening restaurant to see Grandma Geri, Uncle Dan and his girlfriend Jane, and Cousin Elaine. Elaine brought her daughter Deborah this year, too. We always meet at the Omega (on Golf Road in Des Plaines), which has great food, even better service and it's so reasonably priced - we don't go anywhere else to eat for supper while up here. We love the Omega. If you're curious and want to try it out, the Omega is at 9100 Golf Road in Des Plaines. It isn't real fancy food - they keep it simple. But I'll say this much - for the money - if you're hungry - this is the place to eat.

I have some pics to share from the evening. If you want to see full size photos, just click on the picture.









The next day, we went (predictably) to the Lincoln Park Zoo. I believe this is the only free zoo in the country... and it is quite a nice little zoo. It isn't fancy, but there's a lot there and they are trying to improve their exhibits whenever they can. I have a few pics from that day...

Here's the main entrance. Click the pic for the full size photo and more detail.

Our daughter, the showoff...

Can you find the rhino in the pic? Click on the pic to see the full size and the rhino.

A couple of pics of the beautiful city scape from the park.

Ever hear of a Patogonian Cavy? This is it...

Now, before you jump to conclusions - this is not what it seems. NO, this isn't two turtles copulating. All the turtles in the exhibit were male. And this happens to be their way of establishing dominance amongst themselves. Looks like humans aren't the only ones who try to compensate for their "shortcomings". Napolean complex, anyone?

This was probably the most exciting thing we saw at the zoo. A baby rabbit that was outside the zoo as we were walking back to the van. It stayed very still and wasn't too afraid of us. We were probably about 4 feet from this little bunny, and I got some nice pics. (Click the pic to see a closeup.)

The next day, again predictably, we went to Navy Pier. Actually, it is a fun time. And the Children's Museum is actually quite good. I heard from my mother-in-law that Mayor Daley wants to move the museum to a park (was it Grant Park? - something like that) and there's a huge number of people who are opposed to this. I'm one of them. There's no parking at the park for families, and the residents around this area of Chicago are against it because of the traffic and other unpleasant activities that would follow the move. Navy Pier is easier to get to and has parking and - well, it just fits. I have some pics of Kenzie doing her best to show what it's like to be working in a pizzeria. She loves that exhibit.







And then, the very best of all... Navy Pier has a HUGE ferris wheel. Kenzie has been begging us to go on a ferris wheel all year. I have no idea why she wants to do this - but it seems to be a big deal to her. So this year, as she begged (and I mean BEGGED) to go on the ferris wheel - guess who was the lucky parent who went with her. Yup. Me.

Now, I am not afraid of heights unless I'm in the act of falling, so going up the ferris wheel wasn't going to bother me height-wise. The only thing I worried about was how fast it would go. But I found that it takes about 7 minutes for it to make one revolution (which is all you get to ride it for anyway - and by the way - that cost $6.00 per person). I had nothing to worry about though. The trip is so slow that if you didn't notice the horizon changing and being able to look out and see for miles around - you would never have known you were on a ride at all. Here are the pics.












No - she's not getting ready to throw up. This was close to the end of the ride and she was just so excited... she was giggling like a girl would. My daughter simply loves life and wants to experience everything she can.... and to her, this was like a dream come true.

I can't wait to let our second daughter experience these things as well! Next year, we'll have a different family portrait to share.

Boys are a problem...

When the heck did boys become such an issue at 5 years old?

OK, my husband and I are seeing and hearing about boys that are becoming a problem for Kenzie.

First, the other day, Kenzie told me that Omar (a boy in her class) wouldn't stop touching her. I asked where he was touching her and she said on her skirt and leg. She told him to stop it but he didn't. Evidently the teacher saw what was happening and stepped in to stop it. Just to put this into perspective, Omar also went two days in a row to the principal's office.

Then yesterday, my husband took her to the park pool. First, two boys (who appeared to be older than Kenzie) surrounded her and began "petting" her and touching her. They were dragged off of Kenzie by their mom. Then a younger boy began touching her as well. Thank goodness his mom was watching, too, and stopped that as well. If I had been the one to witness this, I would have yelled at the boys right then and there - and with my face - it would have probably scared them worse than anything their mother would have done. Roy isn't quite as quick to react.

What is going on here? I know Kenzie is cute and adorable - and it scares me even more now. I keep telling Roy that she needs to be in martial arts school so she'll learn how to be more assertive and know how to protect herself from anyone who would like to take advantage of her. I know they'll teach non-lethal methods of being able to grab someones thumb or finger and twist it in a way that hurts but doesn't break anything - unless the moron wants to push the issue...

OK, I'm not advocating she kick their butts the minute they put a hand on her, but geez! If the moms aren't around and it does gets out of hand, I want her to feel she has the right (and the ability) to make sure the boys know she doesn't allow anyone to "handle" her. Most of the time, either Roy or I are around to watch her, but at school, with 21 kids in the class, the teacher may end up occupied and not able to catch it all. And I'd rather Kenzie learn how to handle it herself than become a "tattle-tale". She'll get more respect (not to mention fear from the guys). I don't want them to think she's a toy they can "play" with.

I do want her to know she can do whatever it takes to protect herself. Maybe 5 years old is too young for that... but I remember feeling helpless at 5 not knowing what to do or that I was even entitled to protect myself. I don't want that for her.

I remember when I was 21, and I worked for the state highway department (in the office, not out on the roads with the guys). I worked for a subdistrict, and one of the girls working in the office with me was dating a guy who worked for the district office (no, he was not her boss). We were supposed to meet one evening at a bar for some camaraderie and to listen to my boyfriend's band playing . Now, you got to understand, I weighed 105 pounds at the time. This guy came up out of his chair to "greet" me with "Howdy, sweetheart!" and grabbed my butt with one of his huge paws. Without a second thought and as fast as you could say "What the?" I turned into him with my fist at the ready, and pulled my punch at the last second to not hit him in the nose but in the chest - with as much force behind that punch that my body could muster. And I DON'T hit like a girl - I hit like a man - straight on - no round punches. I knocked the wind out of him, and he had a HUGE bruise on his chest for three weeks. But I guaran-damn-tee you he didn't ever try to disrespect me again. Forever after that, he addressed me as " Miss Julie" and he kept his hands to himself.

I want my daughter to know she has that kind of freedom and to have the ability to use it.

I want her to be empowered.

Drumroll please.... Meet our new daughter!

I am so excited to announce that we are accepting our referral for our new daughter! I can hardly believe that this is happening - and our hearts are soaring! Now we have a million questions to ask our agency so we can get started planning our trip and what to bring and do.

I can hardly contain myself!!!!

Here are a couple of pics of her. She is beatiful, isn't she?





Her name is Qin Jia. She is at the Jiamusi CWI in Heilongjiang province. She was born Feb 28, 2004 - and she's a monkey just like me! I can't wait to travel to China and get her.

OH my gosh - it's really going to happen. We're going to be a family of four!!!!
GOD is GOOD!

Kenzie's first day of school

Kenzie had her first day of Kindergarten on Wednesday. Wow... my baby is growing up.

I took pictures and asked a couple of the mommies there to take our pictures together. She was just precious. As she was waiting in line with the other kids for the bus, I began to tear up... OH for crying out loud! It's just Kindergarten! What's going to happen when she's going off to college!

Looking a bit nervous...

A little more relaxed...

Then in the evening, we began a new year of dance and gymnastics. She talks like she really doesn't want to do it, but then when she's there, she has the biggest grin on her face and looks like she really enjoys it. I took pics of her in her suit just prior to her starting class.

Is there an exorcist in the house?

This morning when I was walking her to the bus, she asked, "Are you going to cry again today?" I assured her I wouldn't. I kept my word. I guess it embarrassed her .

What great support...

I have to say that I am blown away by the support everyone has shown us. Thank you!

We got her medicals today and have forwarded everything to the IA doc. Now it is just a waiting game. I am not crazy about waiting... but I've waited so long - a couple more days won't hurt.

I don't know why, but I'm a lot calmer this time around than the last time. And I am once again planning everything in my head as to what we will be bringing and how I can approach her and make her feel more comfortable... what do I need to know or what words will I need to be able to speak to her in her own language to comfort her and communicate a little bit... or at least to understand what she is saying.

I need to find a good book on adopting older children from China - or older international children in general. Or find someplace where I can get expert advice from BTDT parents who adopted 4-6 y/0 kids and can help with suggestions. I just want to get it right so I'm not pulling my hair out or making things worse by doing something that will hurt the relationship from the start.

Counting my chickens before they've hatched here, so to speak. But I can't help myself. I want to be the mother to another little girl. And Kenzie wants a sister. OH, Please God, let this all come together.

Met Kenzie's Kindergarten teacher and she is very nice. I think Kenzie will love her. I leave in 3 minutes to take her to her school so she can see where she's going to go and to meet her teacher.

The CCAA SURPRISES US!

Well, I wasn't expecting it, but we got another referral today. It is for a 4.5 y/o girl from Heilongjiang province - waaaaaaaaaay up north between Inner Mongolia and Russia.

I am waiting for her medical and developmental info - and praying HARD there isn't anything in there to be a red flag. She has big brown eyes and a lot of hair (even if it is cut short). Roy and I are excited, and we are very happy. I'm glad that she is an older child. It certainly won't make it easier to communicate with her, but she and Kenzie will be able to play together. Being older, I'm sure she'll be able to learn English fairly quickly. I'm hoping that the age difference (only 1.25 years) won't be too close together... but we'll see. A lot will depend on our new daughter's temperament.

When I can post more, I will. I am not going to post any photos until I know more about her medicals and get the report from our IA docs.

Wish us luck, please. I won't be able to sleep until we know.

Once again, something is in the air...

Rumor Queen has reported something in the air. I'm too scared to think that perhaps we'll get a second referral.

My mind is a blank right now. Kenzie starts Kindergarten next Wednesday, as well as her next year of tap dance & gymnastics. I wonder if she'll ever get the gymnastics at all. Well, I'm not really into pushing that stuff. But I'm hoping when she is watching the Olympics, she'll get to see the young ladies doing the gymnastics and be able to see where what she is doing is what they started out doing as well. Maybe it will motivate her to try harder. As it is, she really only half-way does things at this moment.

We have an orientation for parents on Tuesday morning at Kenzie's school she will be attending. I think they also said that Kenzie will have an orientation that afternoon. We still haven't received any information from the school yet, and they were supposed to get a letter out so the parents would receive it this week. I'm not thinking very much about this administration if this is how they run things.. and the school she is going to is supposed to be highly accredited with all kinds of awards. Yeah. Right.

Sorry for the cynicism. OH who am I kidding... I'm not sorry. I'm just getting to be a cynical old biddy in my elderly years.

Randy Pausch - how to live... and die

I have listened more than once to Randy Pausch's "Last Lecture". His upbeat attitude, his forward thinking, and his courage to face his death with love, compassion, and gusto should be a lesson for us all. I often think if I were to be in his shoes, would I be able to embrace life as he has, living as an example of what life SHOULD be every day, rather than being bitter or depressed about what I won't have because my life (in my eyes) has been cut short. Do I even embrace life as well as I should now - even though I think I'll live another 20 years.

How would any of us really know how long our lives would have been? We assume that we're going to live into our 70's or 80's. But almost anything can cut our lives off shorter than what our expectations are. I could be killed by a car crash tomorrow - and if so, I have to ask myself: Would I have lived the life I wanted to - one that would have made a difference to others? Would I have lived a life that my daughter could remember me by with love and admiration, one where whe would think that I was a great mom, and would she remember how much I loved her from the little things I did with her and for her? Perhaps I better change some things now, so there will be no doubt in her mind.

I want to be like Randy's mom - in a go-cart racing down a track and living life to its fullest - or like his dad, having fun on the roller coasters and taking chances. Life is all about risk - we risk every day we get out of bed, and we should be facing that risk with a positive attitude. If we have nothing but fear in our lives, we cheat ourselves of the greatests gift God has given us - JOY, WONDER, LOVE, and FULFILLMENT. There are others, I am unable at this time to voice them all. But you know... you know. I know you do. You feel it, too.

My daughter gives every indication that she is a Tigger - and she loves the thrills of riding the rides at the fair and is excited every day over something - even if its going to the local park to play or going out to eat, or playing a game of Go Fish with me and her daddy - even just blowing bubbles or picking up trash in the yard. Yeah, she's a Tigger. And I want to make sure she keeps that sense of joy and wonder.

I have embedded from YouTube a video of his last lecture, given on Oprah. It is the only one I could find that was complete in one video. His lecture could teach all of us something about life and how to live it. May God watch over and take care of your family, Randy. God Bless you for the legacy you have left all of us.

Just musing for a moment

OK, this isn't an earth shattering entry this time, unless you think pics from the weekend are a big deal.

Just wanted to share some pics of Kenzie and my mom. First, I thought the two pics of mom and Kenzie were about the two best pics I've taken of them together in a long time. Second, you can see the progression of the pics I've taken of her, and at some point she said, "That's enough!"

Unfortunately for her, it wasn't. I told her that I was going to take pics until I got what I wanted, so she better just suck it up and give me a genuine smile. I got it...

OH, I am such a mean mommy! LOL!








The last pic is of Kenzie at a good friend's house. Deb and her husband went on a trip to Italy for a vacation, and in Venice, they bought carnival masks. They actually found one for a child - and bought it for Kenzie. As Kenzie said, "Don't I look fetching?"

Domestic vs International Adoption: The debate rages on

There is a huge issue on Rumor Queen over which is better – waiting to adopt from China or adopting from the foster-to-adopt program in the U.S. There is the question out there - why do we have such a love affair with adopting from China as opposed to adopting from our own nation? Perhaps, because adoption from the U.S. foster program isn't as simple as people think it is.

I have some friends who, over 4 years ago, took in two children (same mom, different daddies) and are STILL trying to adopt them. They have done this 3 times prior, and each time they have done this, it has taken them about 3-4 years per child - the last two are difficult because, although the mother was forced by the courts to sign away her parental rights, she is not divulging who the fathers are. Now the parents have to go through a long, drawn out process to try and find them. Eventually, the courts will probably terminate the fathers' rights (because no one has stepped forward to claim paternity) and then they'll be able to proceed with the adoptions.

One thing that I think universally appeals to most parents with China adoption is that you know pretty much what to expect, and once you adopted, you wouldn't one year later have a bio parent or court demanding you return the child back to the parents in China. It sounds harsh, but that is very appealing to people who want to parent a child and don't want to have a disruption of that adoption by outside sources. (When I say "outside source", I am referring to other than the nuclear family established through the adoption process. I do NOT intend to imply that the bio parents of child(ren) in question are somehow not important.) I wish we could have access to the Chinese parents' information - I do believe that our Chinese daughters deserve that at the very least. And if things were different in China (no one child policy, better economic conditions) we wouldn't even be having this debate about IA adoption. There would be no need for international adoption from China.

Back to domestic adoption:

I have heard horror stories from social workers about how long the process takes, and then years later, the child is taken from the foster parents and given to the bio mom. Or the children are bounced back and forth from bio parents to foster parents because the bio parents can't keep their noses clean, so to speak.

Why is the foster-to-adopt system so much better than waiting for a referral from China? I know it works out once in a while - but from what I have heard firsthand and witnessed from others, the process is probably more stressful than people can envision. It's rare that parents' rights are terminated quickly so the foster parents can move on with the adoption process... The wait IS hard for a referral from China. And there are no guarantees in any adoption program. Anyone who thinks there are – well, I hate to break it to you, sweet cheeks, but you’re living in LaLa land.

If some social worker is telling you that it won’t take that long to adopt through the foster-to-adopt system – S/he is lying. Wait and see. Perhaps it’s because someone is willing believe anything they are told, or they are hopeful that that is the case, rather than take the time to do their homework and understand the reality of the situation.

I think America has their foster to adopt program all screwed up - just my observation from what I've seen. If we are truly concerned about what's best for the children in this country, then we wouldn't be bouncing kids in and out of foster care or "the system" and back to bio parents who are not capable of raising the children or of staying out of trouble. I think it’s safe to say that certain types of legal problems with parents would – no, SHOULD – exclude them automatically from ever getting their children back. That would put the kids in a safer, more loving environment from day one. And I would not have a foster program unless the people are in it to ADOPT the children. Fostering kids sometimes brings in people who are only in it for the monthly stipend – and damn the kids’ welfare.

I know we all have differing opinions about what type of adoption is best. But to be honest, none of them are perfect solutions to the problem of finding good parents for needy children. And when I read posts on Yahoo groups or on the Rumor Queen site, it sounds like many of us are feeling like WE are the needy ones. Think how much more needy the children are when they don't have parents, or they have bad parents.

******** ON ANOTHER NOTE:

For those who feel their agencies are misleading them... perhaps you may want to go back over what has been said, what was in your contract, and review their website. It could be the communication problem isn't with the agency, but in what you are thinking in your own head as to what the process will be. The agency may have said they are hopeful the process will speed up - which in my opinion is still in bad form - but you instead "heard" that it WILL speed up. I am glad we have our agency - they have never lied about anything - on their site, they said that they fully expect the time from LID to referral to continue to increase and ask that families be prepared for such.

During our wait, I pretty much stayed away from Rumor Queen because watching how many days that were referred was incredibly painful to see. Only when it appeared that we were getting close did I dare come back to Rumor Queen’s site. Otherwise, her site was depressing for me. I did what I had to in order to get through the wait.

Unfortunately, with China's new category of "SN but healthy" - they are going to have a problem selling that one to some people depending on the SN presented. Although some children may appear healthy, they may have a SN that wasn't listed on their medicals, or at their finding, or isn't known by the orphanage, and would present a major problem for parents not approved for SN. That's what we ran into... and if the CCAA had been able to give us two months to obtain and review reports, we would have been able to try and eliminate the one issue we could not accept because of the lifelong chronic health issues the one possible SN presented. Without more time - we had to turn her down.

I feel lousy, but that may have been a blessing for the child. I hope that she can be properly diagnosed and put up for adoption again. Two of the three possibilities would have been okay with us, the last one was going to put her in a category of needing major medical care that we would not be able to help with. We’re asking for another referral, but we’re not hopeful about it. I really don’t expect we’ll be getting another. We are good parents. But that doesn’t guarantee us anything.

NOTHING in IA is for sure. NOTHING. I read the bitterness in some posts (Rumor Queen) that China’s system is corrupt. I suppose that if the system in China is broken, then we shouldn't try to give these children homes. Let's just leave 'em where they are. That'll teach China to be corrupt. Yeah, we’ll show ‘em.

Honestly, how does that solve the problem? I consider it a hell for the children who have to stay in an orphanage.

I applaud the CCAA and China for increasing the number of domestic adoptions. These children are living in a nation where they represent the majority in their country. When adopted by Caucasians, and outside of their culture, we (whites) are the majority in this country, but our adopted children will be in the minority. And unless you have some training, we’re ill-prepared to help them fight the racism they will be facing. I would hope that it won’t happen – but racism is alive and well all over the globe – so America is no exception.

OH hell, we signed up for our second adoption when the wait time was 6 months. Then, by the time we were LID, it was 8-9 months. And month by month, we watched as it went longer and longer and longer - and we knew right then and there, that we were in for the wait of a lifetime.

If your agency is telling you there are increasing wait times, they are not lying to you. You signed up for the adoption process - no one held a gun to your head. YOU made the decision. And now you want to blame someone else for your lack of common sense that the term "increasing wait times" means you're not going to get the child in 1 year or less.

Give me a break.

Whatever path one chooses to go when it comes to adoption - I am 100% behind you. I believe that adoption is one of the best and most loving ways to create a family. I don't care so much about where or when one adopts - as long as it is legal and ethical. And it takes a great deal of maturity to handle it.

I am not behind anyone who chooses a path and then starts down this "poor little me I'm not getting what I want fast enough" road. That sounds like a spoiled brat - and IMO - that kind of person isn't going to be a very good parent, because everything is couched in terms of what they want and not what is right for the child. And the kvetching about how everything outside of yourself is causing you pain or how all these other issues are the reason you feel bitter is nothing more than a veiled temper tantrum - think of a five year old and how, when she gets mad and things don't go her way, she jumps up and down and cries and shouts to try to change the situation, when, if you're a good mommy, you don't back down when this starts... (I have experienced that.... yes, even Kenzie has her moments...)

Enough of the ramblings.

Thankful...

I want to thank everyone who has been so supportive. You have made this time less stressful...

I NEVER thought I'd ever turn down a referral. NEVER! I always believed that the child we were referred would be the one we were supposed to have. And then to have a twist thrown into the whole deal was a stunning turn of events.

Some have said perhaps we were brought into this child's life to get her properly designated as SN so she could be with the right family. That may be. But I would hope that the child would be re-matched quickly with a family who is approved for SN and can handle her issues. Perhaps its to bring to light the complexity of the "SN but healthy" designation and the problems it presents.

I think the CCAA has a huge problem with their new designation of "SN but Healthy". Either the interpretation is too vague, or the orphanages don't quite have enough understanding of the implications of certain physical symptoms to know that, just because it doesn't look like a child has 'XYZ' condition, that doesn't mean it isn't something else. And until the other stuff is ruled out, it's hard to say that the child is "healthy".

Well, that's my 2 jiao worth.


But thanks to all who have supported our decision. We are still feeling rather bad - it's hard to know that our decision will affect a little girl whom we don't know. I hope it will change her life for the better, and not for the worse.

A decision made

After talking with the IA doc and another doctor who is a friend, we all agree that this child is truly a special needs child. What her special need is, we are not quite sure. The orphanage did have an MRI of her done, but they sent us files that were illegible for the radiologist to read.

At first when I saw the videos of her, I was struck by how adorable she was, her laughter and impish sense of humor. But when I was able to settle down and really look at the videos, I saw a child with some kind of problem (I won't go into what I saw specifically, but it was obvious to a mother who knows how a 3.5 y/o is supposed to be at that age). And my very suspicions were confirmed by the IA doc and the other doctor who ran some of the info I sent him by his colleagues.


She is special needs. She has a family out there somewhere, it just isn't us. She needs to be represented properly by the CCAA, and the right family will take her file and be so happy they did. I pray that she'll be able to find her forever family - and I'm sure that whoever takes her will be happy with her... she's a very happy little girl. But for us, we couldn't accept her because there is a problem that would be obvious the minute we went into the medical exam.

We'll ask our agency what our options are. We think we should be able to ask for another child... and we'd be happy to take an older child of up to 4 years old.


At this point, I feel both relief and closure. There were too many questions, and the orphanage did some things for us, but then didn't follow through with executing some requests and giving us the kind of files that would give us complete information on the child. I could list all the things wrong with this referral, but I won't dwell on it anymore.

Forgive me if I sound a bit cold - I don't mean to. We've had this hanging over our heads for a month now, and I feel I can finally exhale and relax. I'm not sweating whether we get another referral, but at least this one is decided.

Conflicted

We're a bit scared about this adoption. It appears that children in the north of China are almost always abandoned because of some SN - not like children in the south. We have found someone who worked for an organization that did some work for the orphanage where our daughter is "from" (I use parenthesis because she's actually in foster care in a different part of the municipality, separate from the city proper). He says that it is very likely that something was wrong with the child, or else she wouldn't have been abandoned. He said one of the diagnoses she was given is a basic catch-all diagnosis because, if there is nothing they can find physically wrong, then the doctor's general attitude is that it must be this one diagnosis, because "what else could it be?"

She's lost valuable time in helping her brain make the all-so-important neural connections she needed to have in order to give her a leg up on her learning abilities. We don’t know that this kind of neglect – no matter how minor – can be made up once the child is past 3 years old.

You know, this would be so different if we had a child that had a repaired physical SN referred to us - something you could see and verify physically. But with anything that has to do with the brain - it's something you can't repair or quantify. So we are left wondering what is going on...

I'm probably not going to blog any more about this referral. I know that people are going to think we are heartless if there is something that will prevent us from taking her. But we are not angels, saints, do-gooders or heroes. We are human and we have our limitations. We know it and are willing to admit to that. For those who don't understand it, or for those people who have taken on SN children and think that anyone who doesn't do so is somehow "less than", for anyone who buys into the “this is our child no matter what” frame of mind, I just don't understand it when they want to force those attitudes on others who realize they are not capable of taking on certain special needs.

I'm not a martyr. I would physically place myself between my daughter and harm - that is what a mother would/should do to protect her children. I’m sure that a lot of what I’m saying will place me in the “she’s so shallow” category of mothers. It’s a sure thing I’ll never get nominated for “Mother of the Year.”

I seem to remember that the CCAA once put up a down’s syndrome child as a trial to see if anyone would adopt him. If I remember right, I don’t think anyone did. That says volumes about the true nature of what people are willing to take on when it comes to special needs. Am I really so shallow after all?

OK, maybe she's not mentally impaired – perhaps there was no special need at all. Maybe she was misdiagnosed. Perhaps she was abandoned for reasons other than something about her birth was considered a problem for the baby. Perhaps the doctor in attendance during her birth misdiagnosed her as having an issue, when in truth, there was no problem at all.

I am hoping God strikes me with a lightening bolt and makes it plain as day that we are supposed to parent this child.

I talk big about trusting God - well... I need to put my actions where my mouth is. There is a part of me that is pulled to this child... but is that God working in my heart, or selfish desires that have me wanting so badly for this child to be “fine”.

I am torn and conflicted. And there are days when I think I must be the biggest, most selfish bitch in the world.

The wait...

(Sigh) Agony.

I hate waiting.

I am torn between trying to be patient and
screaming my fool head off because nothing is happening on this end of the adoption process.

I keep going over the Serenity Prayer in my head... you know, the one that alcoholic's say at the end of their meetings?

God,

Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
The courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen and Amen!

I need to get that serenity thing going for me.

Update - not much new yet

Well, our pediatrician had a chance to review our referral info. He basically said that the best way to determine if the child had any problems with one of the issues, then an MRI is the best way to tell. I emailed our coordinator at the adoption agency and told her that we would like to request an MRI instead of the CT scan. The orphanage hadn't yet scheduled the CT scan, and are willing to do the MRI.

I am hoping that we'll have something by next week to get our approval in (I am assuming everything is actually just fine...).

Prayers are welcome at this time.

Referral update

I have to say, I'm impressed with the orphanage that our referral came from. They sent the xrays that were taken of her from last year for us to view, plus they have volunteered to do a CT scan and will also video tape her for us.

I am becoming more comfortable that this child has nothing seriously wrong with her. (I put the emphasis on seriously wrong - minor issues, or even developmental delays or learning disabilities, I'm pretty sure we will be able to deal with those.) I have a feeling she may be a bit shy, and probably didn't get the kind of stimulation Kenzie was privy to, since Kenzie was given loads of attention by us. But the more I see and hear, the more I am certain this is our daughter. There are so many things that just seem to say to me this is the right thing to do.

I wish more orphanages were like this one. They seem to be willing to do what it takes to assure us "nervous nellies" that the child is as they say.

I am hoping the next post will be that we have sent off our acceptance. That's what I really want to write.

In the meantime, I have THIS goofball to deal with! LOL!

Some encouraging news...

This morning, we received xrays taken last year of her chest and upper abdomen area. They do not show any curvature of the spine. The IA doctor that called us today said she wanted some different pics and more info on her, but said overall her physical and developmental information looked very good.

It's kind of what we were thinking - but not being doctors, we want to be sure we have enough information to know what we may be getting into.

With Kenzie, she had some issues not in her write up - and some health problems that either were ignored or not known at the time we adopted... but we wouldn't have traded her for a billion dollars. I am hoping and praying this is the same case.

We have asked for some more info, and hope that in a day or two we can get everything we need to go ahead with this, which is the way we are leaning at the moment.

I am taking this one step at a time...

First, thanks to everyone for their support. However, I want to make one thing clear. I'm not angry - at least not at the CCAA or the orphanage or our agency - nothing like that.

I'll relate a story about Kenzie that will help put into perspective our experience and our reasons for taking this one step at a time and to evaluate all sides of the issue (not just a doctor's point of view).

When we got Kenzie's referral, we were so excited - she was the most adorable, sweet-looking child I had ever laid eyes on. We sent off her referral info and pictures to an international adoption clinic to have them review it.

When I got the call from one of the doctors who had reviewed her file, she said that there was a moderate chance that our daughter could be neurologically damaged (which, by the way folks, covers a huge area of issues, from possibly having trouble walking or speaking to being mentally retarded). I was devastated... I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I just didn't see it in the pics, but the doctor ticked off one reason after another why she had come to this conclusion.

I sent the referral info off to yet another doctor known in international adoption circles. In the meantime, someone I had met by chance over the internet, who just happened to be adopting from the same orphanage, said he would try to see her and take some pics or video if possible to help me out.

Well, HIS pictures and video showed a completely normal child - and there were none of the issues the original IA doctor talked about. The second IA doctor soon called me and went over the child's info with me, but told me not to worry too much - that sometimes the doctors are in a hurry and/or don't do the developmental testing very thoroughly or didn't read the medical test correctly or the tests were faulty... that anything could be possible. She told us that if we were to go to China, we could assess the child's abilities while we were there, and she gave us things to look for. And she was very positive in her outlook - that most of these children are just fine, or recover from any problems they have with gross or fine motor skills fairly quickly, once they are in a loving family who will give them the attention, love, and nutrition they need.

Well, long story short, we went. We saw that she was not only fine - she was very intelligent, had a great sense of humor (even for an 18 month old) and only had some gross motor skill issues that were easily correctable.

So I guess the moral to the story is, be cautious, get lots of opinions, and understand that there is incompetence in the medical field no matter what country you live in. And there are times when issues might be over-exaggerated or mistaken as something which it is not.

We will do our due diligence, and try to come to a conclusion based on what may be faulty information, or information that may have been faulty to begin with at her finding.

The thing that strikes me the most is that the first time my husband came to me and told me he wanted to adopt again, it was around Thanksgiving, 2004, and this child was born in November 2004 (right around Thanksgiving!). Her finding date was listed as Dec 6, 2004. Dec 6 was my father's birth date. Signs from heaven?

We shall try to be reasonable with our requests to assess this child's condition. But to be honest, I think that we most likely will need to go and see her - and ultimately, this may be the only way we will know for sure if there is something we need to be concerned with. In the meantime, we will weigh the reviews and advice from the doctors.

I can't help but feel so much for this child. And to put my heart on hold is something I am having a hard time with.

Referral dilemma

Ok, we got our call on June 9, 2008. At first we were giddy and high and so excited.

Then today, the coordinator had translated referral info that was not so giddy. So - I am not going to post anything here right now on our referral until we can sort out what is going on and can make a decision. I absolutely hate this. Here I was excited and happy - ready to adopt an older child that I felt would probably be just the right age for our family, falling in love with her face - and then I find out there may be issues that we could be totally unprepared for and/or unable to handle on either a short or long-term basis. We are consulting three doctors, one of which was able to respond immediately, one who will respond later this week and another that will respond next week sometime. There is missing information, incomplete information, and confusing information in her referral, and it appears she may have been listed as a special needs child at one time, and now they are saying she's not special needs. We asked for a healthy child. The question is: what is the CCAA's definition of healthy?

My only concern at this moment is that we get the information we need to make an informed decision. This little girl deserves a family - but if we are not able to take her due to our home situation and other factors because of a SN issue she has (if in fact she has one) - if we are not the family that would be able to help her - then accepting a referral would not be fair to her, to Kenzie, or to our family as a whole.

I am hoping that we are going to all have a happy ending with this. And it may just come down to a leap of faith...

I'm doing a lot of praying on this one. But overall, I think this just sucks. And I feel like I'm the bad guy here. Crap.

Something is "in the air"...

My coordinator emailed that their Beijing office told them that they have something in the air. Not that it would be referrals... but one hopes so. It could be something to do with special needs, or travel approvals, or something else. But I really want it to be referrals.

Hopefully, Monday (or Tuesday, depending on how crazy Monday gets) I'll be able to post something definite. I'm not crossing any fingers - but I am praying like crazy...

The latest rumors

OMG... is it finally going to happen?


After almost 2 1/2 years of waiting, it appears that we will be in the next batch of referrals from China. I almost can't breathe - it is overwhelming and scary and just too much to even think about right now. Rumor Queen says the cutoff seems to be January 22, which means we are in this batch.


OMG... please let it be true!


I just can't even think about it, but it's all that's on my mind. I love my daughter so much - and it just seems impossible to think that we'll be adopting one more time so we can love another precious child.